School’s out for ever, day #23

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School’s out for summer,
School’s our for ever…
Wise words from Alice Cooper (see precious blog post with the Muppets) to introduce you to yet another blog a day blog by the one and only me 😉

Although the image I am using today is only edited by me. The image is by Fien Westendorp, based on the Jip & Janneke characters by Annie M.G. Schmidt.

I asked for comments with blog ideas. Ms. Leftie asked about schools, Sjak asked about how I experienced my school time (as we spend the last two years of high school together). So I will try to combine these two in my blog a day number twenty-three.

I have to start by pointing you to two blogs I have written back in 2010 about bullying:
To be bullied
Bullying: the effects, the “reasons”

Since these posts already tell you something about my time at school, it could be that I may repeat myself here in order to make this a read-able and understandable blog. Just so you know…

At the age of 12 I went to the secondary school. From the older kids at school to being the young one again. Not that age mattered to me. I never was one of the  “cool” kids. I was the loner. The one you could use when needed and dump when you got what you needed from me. Since I wanted to belong, I thought I would and could get there by doing stuff for the popular kids. It took me many years and mistakes to learn my lesson. Yeah I am smart but not socially smart… Never was and I am pretty sure I will never be. Thanks to, what I finally learned at age 31 (for crying out loud late!) my AS, Asperger’s Syndrome.

Anyhow, it’s always been hard for me to make real friends. And the ones I had, I clung on so tight that I smothered so.e friendships… I wasn’t a bad kid, never started a fight, always honest (too honest according to some who couldn’t handle it) but also awkward and different.
But I was always the one ending up bruised, used and in tears. Even some teachers bullied me… When I find something interesting, I research. When it was a subject in school, then it should be a plus for me. You’d think huh, that they would stimulate the extra knowledge. But nope, they’ll call you a wise ass and even throw you out of the class room. Or let you, and you alone, write an essay on it seeing you’re the know-it-all… Yes! I had some of those teachers. Nice to know they were so concerned. But it only demotivated me and fed the bullies with new stuff to bully me about.

Ever since the first day in secondary school I made a dear friend. People thought we’d known each other for years as we grew close fast. For three years we were best friends and I’d thought we would really be friends forever…
I was happy to have a dear friend in an ugly world. I have been beaten during these three years. Quite often. People who were responsible were banned for a while, only to come back with a vengeance. She stood by me the best she could and would.

But then we entered the fourth year. Puberty was hitting us all hard. I liked the same boy she did and even though I didn’t think it mattered, she thought differently. One of the girls in our class, whom she had been bad mouthing for years, suddenly became her best friend. Rumours about me were going through the whole school. Of course all of it was big BS (bull shit) but as I was anything but popular, the rumous were very popular. I knew their source… And the silly thing is, I knew that the guy she and I liked really did not like her. I was in a few of his classes and had heard him talk about her. I did tell her that and you’d think that after three years she would trust me. Nope. Guess again.

But in the same fourth year, I started to make some new friends. One of them is Sjak, who comments on my blog every now and then. But we did lose contact after school for a few years though. Something that made me sad for quite some time as I really thought she was a great friend. Oh no, don’t get me wrong, I still think very highly of her! But back to the age of 16.

Most of the bullies followed the MAVO stream. As I followed the HAVO (one step higher), I had NO more classes with them. Didn’t mean the bullying ended completely but it decreased a whole lot! I started to hang out with some slightly older kids who were on the VWO level (one step higher from HAVO, two steps up from MAVO). It went better. I could drop some classes because we had to chose the subjects on which we wanted to graduate. My ex best friend still behaved stupid and people who’d never really befriended me even stood up for me when she crossed a line. I was amazed! I also warned her new best friend about the lies she had told about her while being my best friend. Seemed like a decent thing to do at the time. Still wonder why that boy meant so much to her to change like that when he didn’t even like her… Was it puberty that changed stuff so badly or? Ah well… Year four went kind of OK. At the end of the school year I got an assignment to make at home. It would decide if I would have to redo the fourth or could continue in the fifth (and final) year.

But at the end of the fourth year, my grandma passed away while on vacation (I mentioned something about it last week in this blog post). I wasn’t all that stable. I got into a huge fight with my dad and was forced to live with my granddad for a while. I so did not want to be in that house. I was always grandma’s little girl. And now she was gone. The whole house was a terrible reminder of her. I missed her so much, and still do as I am almosy crying while writing this…

And before 1996 was over, my school’s medical dumbwit hang on my back during a regular check-up. I got these check-ups because I have always had one shorter leg (the right one). So every year at school, starting from kindergarten, I got checked. They put small boards under your foot to measure the difference in leg length. But this b*tch hang on my schoulders while standing on these boards. I felt something pop and it hurt like freaking hell. I cursed her badly and wobbled away out of her office, hiding the tears that came up from the pain. So not cool to cry at school but so much pain…

I went to GP when I barely could walk. He send me to the hospital. April 1997 I got on the list for a triple osteotomy. I was on crutches and in pain. School went as good as could be expected. I got grades that weren’t high, but high enough to do OK. My mind wasn’t really on school a lot. I was happy with the friends I had. I didn’t have much friends but when walking with crutches, you can use all the help you get. And then you see who cares enough to help. I did pass my exams, not with super grades but I passed. I was very happy that school was over.

All in all, the first 3 years were really hell due to the kids hurting me in all different ways. I even skipped school a lot, without my mum’s knowledge, because I didn’t want another beating. I didn’t want to be send to the dean again because of what someone did to me. It never helped anyway, they always got back at you for telling on them. I didn’t want to be bullied by some of the teachers. I wanted to be stimulated, to be taught valuable information. I still wonder what my life would have looked like if they would have noticed my ADHD and AS as a child. Special education? Special care to stimulate me? One can only wonder now…

I hope that this post is in a way what Ms. Leftie and Sjak meant. I hope that you found this background on me informative. I did have some good times with nice people while at secondary school. But when I compare that to all the times I have felt miserable… I know how much I should cherish the good times. One of the “funny” things is, the girl who my ex-best friend always babbled about before ditching me and becoming her friend is actually now a dear friend of mine. We re-connected a few years ago and these days we see how much we already had in common back then. Was it puberty that didn’t make us realize it back then? Maybe stupidity?

I don’t know… But I do know that, thanks to this mediocre (for me) school, I now have two people in my life who I am proud to call my caring friends. And through this post, I want to thank them!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 9, 2012.

2 Responses to “School’s out for ever, day #23”

  1. You know, I feel like a prize idiot for not realising how hard your high school time has been. I did ofcourse read about the bullying so I know about it now, but back then I just never really saw it. Maybe I spent too much time with my head in the clouds, always in love (be it with a boy from school or with Robbie Williams, hahahah!). Ofcourse I didn’t know you before 4 Havo and I knew that some of the other people I hung out with thought you were “weird”, but that was really it. You always seemed so strong, like you didn’t give a f*ck what others thought of you. I always admired you for that…
    Ofcourse now I AM sooooooo curious about the people you are speaking of. I think I know who the friend and ex-friend were/are, I see their faces in my head (I think) but I am having some trouble remembering names. Also quite curious about what boy you (and ex-friend) had a crush on ;-).
    As for the teachers that have bullied you: at that time it must have hurt like hell, but think about it now… a grown man or woman, picking on a kid. They were obviously just plain pathetic people who liked the “power” they could wield as a teacher, probably because they didn’t have anything to say at home, haha!

    • Thanks again for your comment Sjak. I already answered some of your Q’s through Whatsapp as I didn’t want to post any names here. I don’t only value my anonymity but I will show respect to people who really didn’t earn it as well by not naming them. I hope the Whatsapp answers provided you with enough info. Otherwise, just continue the conversation there and ask more.
      But you admired me??? *blush* wow *mouth falls open* it gets cold *closes mouth with help from hand*
      I never knew… But I don’t see it as being strong. As long as I pretended not to ne bothered by the bullies, I hoped they would lose interest in me. I had learned by then that walking away was not always the cowards way but sometimes the wise man/woman way. And by turning my back they could not see my face…
      Thanks again for daring to be my friend those two years. I guess being my friend also brought some weird comments your way, as I was well…weird in people’s eyes. *hugs* LW

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