Tolerable Thursday, day #22


Bleh! Glad Wednesday is over. Had a headache when I went to work. Only got worse there due to the heat where I was working.

But I also got an e-mail from a very dear friend about the birthday and my reasoning of not coming. She was open and honest and I thank her for that. But while I was reading the mail, my headache got worse. It sucks that I am so terrible at social situations. I doubt myself more than necessary. I wonder if I misunderstood. Due to my AS it happens to me quite frequently. It always feels miserable, as do I.

But to shorten the blah-blah, as I am sure that you’ve read it somewhere before, friend understood me well. But didn’t want to get caught in between. I am totally OK with friends of mine spending time with ex-friend. But as I explained to my friend, I am more scared of losing my dear friends to her. Because I chose not to be around the ex. And there will be social events where we could both be invited. I am bummed already that I am missing out on this birthday party. But I am sure that it would be bad for my (mental) health to be around ex too much. With ex I mean the ex friend, not lover!
Friend insured me that I would not lose my friends. But that it could give complications with birthdays. I already know what I have to do: organize many events to have fun with my friends.
Friend also asked if I could e-mail ex friend to explain. But I can’t bring myself to it. She is not worth the effort. I also told friend she needn’t lie for me. But if someone would want to know why I am not around, they should ask me. This whole mess gives me such a headache. I didn’t even eat at work. So distracted. So lost…

With the already present headache, heat, troubles and worries, head only started to hurt more. Tomorrow, well today, we’re starting an hour earlier at work. So I asked my chef if I could go home at 21 instead of 22:30. I will get paid a little less but my head wanted out. It was approved and I was happy.

Also happy that in 4 weeks and 17 hours, my new tattoo will be set. *yay* So excited!

But headache still present. Off to bed soon. Hopefully get some decent sleep… Of course you won’t notice any of this, me going to bed and all, because in the next couple of lines you read, I am back already haha! Hope you all sleep/slept well with nice and lovely dreams.

Here I am again. Slept OK but it still could be better. Woke up, still feeling tired. Ears still hurt but headache is a little less present, for now. Have to be off to work in 80 minutes already. May not forget to go to work an hour early.

Since GF is free from work Saturday, I am making plans to do something fun. First our grocery shopping with mum, then she will take the brown little girl to her place and we can eat and depart for Valkenburg. I want to go there. Been there once but only for some dinner. Want to see more this time. So hoping for some decent weather en must charge batteries from my camera. Hope this will be a great day. I sure could use a great day…

Work has so far been OK. We did hear that a co-worker’s wife doesn’t have long to live. That was pretty hard news. So that is why we won’t see him here. But work was work-wise OK. Less than 4 hours to go before we can go home.

I got some replies to my previous posts about the friends and birthday issue. But I did write about this earlier in this blog. I do think I worry too much but it is partly how and who I am.

I don’t know where my AS ends and where I begin, and vise versa. I don’t know which quirks are completely mine and which I got due to that autism spectrum stuff. But I fear social stuff.

Yeah I go to conventions where there are many people. But I have my own way to deal with it. GF knows that (now) and she understands and supports me in that. But people who don’t know me (well enough) think that, because I can go to conventions, I am totally OK being surrounded by all these people. Just observe me and see I am not. But I want to be there. Plus, I am not the only different person there. I want to meet the actors. Thank them for all those wonderful hours I could spend glued to my TV set… And that means…facing the crowd. First GF thought I was abandoning her from time to time. But now she knows why. I never even realized that she could/would see it this way because it was just something I have to do. Stretch my legs, get some personal space. Ah well…

I just got home. Am tired. Want to watch a DVD with beer and chips. Will blog again tomorrow 😉 Thanks for reading all my babbling…

PS. Once again, image found through PicsArt app, edited by me, myself and I.

~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 9, 2012.

3 Responses to “Tolerable Thursday, day #22”

  1. Let the tattoo countdown begin!

  2. Countdown to tattoo time! 🙂

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