Thinking depressed Tuesday, day #27

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Sad. Mad. Headache. Nightmares. Depression. Misunderstanding. Not understanding. Feeling stupid. Anger. Fear. Pain. Insane…

Well, that sums up the mess in my head at the moment. Since I still have suicidal nightmares and thoughts at the time, this post might contain triggers. So please be advised before continuing.

I feel so tired but I can’t sleep.
I feel so sad but I can’t weep.
I don’t like living but I can’t die
I hate to tell the truth but I can’t lie

I would love to sleep but the nightmares come
Where I end my life but wake up all alone
I could use the rest before my head explodes
Before it’s too late and it all goes…

I am depressed. I am going mad. My head keeps spinning. My brain working over hours to drive me insane. My body is in pain. My muscles are so sore. I feel so tense. It hurts. My elbow was still hurting, so tonight I have had it and hit with it against the wall. Self harm, I guess. But it helped me to forget the other pain for a while. That felt good. Punishing myself through hitting bodyparts (although not my head…yet). Getting bruised and almost liking it. I am on a self destruction mode. Why should I always pay attention to others when it seems they don’t pay any attention to me? I feel like crossing the street without paying attention. I still wish I could and would fall asleep and not wake up anymore. All I do gets a negative outcome anyway…

Monday afternoon I even got mad with the dog, big time. I know she is a social dog. I know she’s horney on all the attention most people give her because she is so sweet. But not all people want her jumping and running around them. And when I call her back, twice, and she still goes on and does her thing… Not a chance that I will take that behavior. Especially when I feel like the way I do… So I got very angry with her and then I ignored her. I am the boss and she should be submissive to me. Yeah she can be cute when she wants to but it still isn’t a get out of jail free card to do anything she pleases.

I feel mad. Mad at myself for “allowing” me to feel this way. Mad for not being able to stop these feelings and just be happy. Guess must need a happy enviroment first. But brain prefers it to be a non earthly enviroment. I am not sure I will ever find true, depression free, happiness. I know the situation I am in will not give me any happiness. BF isn’t really my BF anymore. He irritates me. Annoys me. Makes me want to run away hard… And then he turns around and is nice to me. I can’t take it. Not anymore. I know he is doing his best, mosts of the time. But it makes me sad to realize that it might not be enough anymore.

Stupid situation. Stupid depression. Stupid me…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 13, 2012.

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