Day #28, almost four weeks now!

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Howdy dear followers!

Here I am again. Still at work now. Don’t know if you also follow me on Twitter. But earlier this night I tweeted (twit? Hehe, I am guessing tweeted should be right) about a comment a collegue made to me.

He said I was positively crazy and always made him smile. That I always was looking happy and confident. That I knew what I wanted. That I am a strong woman. Not like any other woman he ever met. Boy, if only he knew…

At work I wear my mask with pride. I want to keep my personal feelings separated from work. Otherwise I would get no work done and become even more depressed, if that is possible. I want to have a nice time at work. So that the time seems to fly by and before I know it, I can go to the car, take off my mask and go home.

Now some people wonder if I wouldn’t be happier if I would wear the mask at home as well. If by doing that, I would feel better. But then I ask them: and where can I be myself then? The sad, mad, depressed person as I am now. Where can I cry without shame? Where can I throw a tantrum or two and it won’t matter? Where can I feel safe if not at home? And then they are quiet for a while. I can see them thinking it over. Because, sure I have thought about faking happiness in order to have a better life. But it takes a lot of energy to hide your true feelings and pain and some times I need to re-load that energy in order to keep it up. And maybe it sounds crazy..but throwing a tantrum or crying my eyes out does help me do that. Does it work the same for anyone else as well? Or is this one more of my silly quirks?

My muscles are still sore. GF asked GP if I could get muscle relaxing pills. They wouldn’t give it to me and told her that I should go to physiotherapy. Yeah like that will help me. I have had it after two major surgeries. I know what I can do, should do, but it isn’t helping at all. I think my muscle tightness is caused by that silly working brain of mine. Argh!

I feel so brain dead. So numb. The headache has been pressing so hard the last few days. My ears are beeping even louder than before. Like they did when I had an ear infection. When I go to bed and close my eyes, my ears feel like I just came home from a heavy metal concert where I’ve been hugging the speaker during the entire gig.. Beep!
So annoying.

GF promised to massage me before I go to work. It will relax my muscles for a short period of time, unfortunately. But that short period is gladly welcomed by me. It makes me sad to know that all that hard work by GF only will help my muscles relax for such a short time. But it makes me even more grateful.

GF will hopefully be home any time soon. We will walk the dog, get groceries, eat. She will massage me *yay* and she promised to help me sort out a years worth of papers. I have paid all the bills nicely. But after that, never files them but threw then on top of the pile. Only thinking about going through that makes me anxious and all. I know it has to be done. But lately, for about twelve months or so haha, I just never found the energy I needed to go through it. So instead of working on it when it was a small pile. i made an Eifeltower of it. Or even better, the tower of Pisa…

That also explains my image for today. I found it through Google image search and edited it with PicsArt. It explains my mental health (ready to fall over) and the cleaning up part described above.

I am at work now. Papers are halfway done thanks to help from lovely GF. Feel tired though. Tonight, well this morning, I won’t be sleeping single for little over an hour since GF took my attic room bed. So I will have a pre-heated bed with lovely gall included 😉

OK let’s post this blog before the break is over. Hope you are all doing well. Thanks for your interest!

Luv, LW

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 15, 2012.

2 Responses to “Day #28, almost four weeks now!”

  1. I seem to have had something like that said to me in group therapy from another patient…

    Loving the picture of Pisa, I have always wanted to go there!

    • I also want to go to Pisa/Rome one day… Hopefully this year…

      So we wear our masks alright then MsLeftie 😉 Not sure if it’s always a good thing, but at least we know how to hide stuff we’d like to keep private from others when needed.

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