I don’t want to get hurt, day #56

In everything I see you appear with me
How come? How come?
And everything I do involves you too
we are like one
In my life there has been so many changes
And I don’t want to be left out in the rain

©Roxette/Per Gessle/Jimmy Fun Music

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My depression is hitting me again. I can feel it happening. But I can’t seem to stop it. I don’t know how to stop it. I’m not even sure if I am able to stop it. But I am getting insecure about almost everything again. I hate it. I don’t want this to happen. I am hurting GF by not being able to trust her.

I feel like I am trying to watch over her shoulder. I am craving for positive attention. For a hug, a kiss… I have trouble giving the, now. I can easily do so through text, but not through touch. I am afraid GF will spend quality with someone else, in chat or in person or maybe even both. I get suspicious when she is using her cell phone and when I ask what she’s up to, it’s always nothing. I see her typing and I ask and for some reason, it’s always nothing. Or she gets mad because I am too nosy. But this is who I am. I am open and sharing (depending who I’m with). GF may check everything on my phone (OK not until she got her birthday present, there are some restrictions, as it may ruin my surprise). I have nothing to hide. But with the way she is behaving with that cellphone, she makes me feel like I don’t matter. Like I have no rights to ask. And how can it always be nothing? My depression hysteria is taking over and her behavior isn’t helping me. Yeah it is, but going down not up. I have talked about this with her several times. But she sees it the other way ’round. She figures that, if she doesn’t ask me what I am doing with my phone, then I should do the same. But I have tried. I really have.

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My brain doesn’t accept it. I can’t accept myself when I feel like this. I always feel so isolated, but I know it’s me that is isolating myself. I am still not sure why I always feel like it is necessary to seek isolation. Is it to protect myself? Is it to protect others from myself? From my downside, my negative mood and thoughts, my fears and anger… Every time I am slipping down the hill I recognize it better and better. BUT I can’t seem to do anything about it. So I am using my blog to cry for help. Because it is so much easier to type about it than to talk. I guess because writing goes one way. No one to look at you when you are writing it. I do believe this is also the reason I started blogging actually, well, one of the reasons. So I could give words to my thoughts in a way with the least resistance. The only one being in the way would and could be me.

But even when something positive is happening, something positive is being said to me, my mind is able to work it around until it’s something negative. I don’t want this. I don’t want my mind, my brain, to take these actions. But I don’t know how to battle it. I don’t know if I can. And I feel like I am repeating myself over and over. And I know I am, because these thoughts have overtaken my mind. I keep on thinking, trying to find a way to beat this. But the way it’s going, I am losing the battle. I will be beaten, once more, again… I hate these ups and downs. Well, I kinda like my ups at times 😉  But that’s different. When I am up, it’s all good and positive.

I don’t want to think bad things. I don’t want to doubt myself, as I also don’t want to doubt GF. But the way I feel, I am seeing things, imagining all the things she could be doing around my back. The “sneaky” stuff with the cellphone and all. Her interest in some things I find all but interesting. I am seeing conspiracies in lots of happenings. I hate it. But it is what happens each and every time when I am sliding down again.

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I push people away. Afraid that they’ll see me at my worst times. Protecting them from the depressed version of myself. But maybe also protecting myself from their influences. Often people mean well with trying to cheer you up and all. But if those people have never been anything near depressed themselves, you notice immediately. And even though you know they mean well, in your mind you keep thinking: yeah thanks, now please sod off! Leave me alone…
And then people leave you alone and you feel isolated. You start thinking that all your thoughts are right. See, you are a horrible person. You aren’t worth it. That’s why they turn their backs to you. So you can’t hurt them. Or maybe because they don’t care.

And then…when all you need is a shoulder to cry on, with two strong arms around you, holding you tight… You find out that your actions have made that the one thing you can’t have. You start feeling guilty for all your actions, even though you had your reasons, how off and odd they were… Which of course makes you even more sad than you already were.

Of course the nightmares that haunt you every night don’t do you any good either. And I never really remember what it was that made me have a high heart rate and a soaking wet T-shirt when waking up. I know that some times, my nightmares are about suicide. And some of those times, I remember waking up feeling sorry for myself because I did wake up…

I don’t want to get hurt. But I also don’t want to hurt others. I am afraid that both with happen, again… 😥

Ta-ta for now my blog posse and thanks for all the usual.

From a sad Lonely Wallflower, with luv!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 11, 2012.

3 Responses to “I don’t want to get hurt, day #56”

  1. You have chosen such a powerful song choice for this post.

    I think what you are feeling especially the insecurities are normal if you feel depressed, I experience it all the same but you are right it is hard especially if it affects the people around you that you love.

    Perhaps you need to spend some quiet time with GF and explain how you are feeling now and why perhaps you are like this, although I suspect GF will read this post anyway so might get a better understanding of things.

    Either way I hope LW is feeling more herself soon!

    • Thanks. It felt good. I mean this song with this post. And I enjoyed Google-ing pics to modify/edit and put part of the lyrics on it.

      Yeah GF will read this. She always reads my posts although she doesn’t always reply (unfortunately).

      But it sucks big time, indeedio! If it would only affect me, but it doesn’t…

      Thanks dear *hugs*

  2. There’s not much I can say about the depression you’re experiencing because I am one of those persons that has never been in a depression, at least nothing like you are going through. So I won’t say cheer up, or try to give you advice, coz I can’t. I just want to say that I will read whatever you have to write, be it happy or sad. That’s the best I can do…
    As for the phone thing with GF. Hopefully with this post she will understand your feelings towards these things better. But as to her reaction of what she is doing is “nothing”, I wanted to tell you that this is a very normal, automatic response that many people have. I do it all the time. I have absolutely nothing to hide, but when I’m fiddling with my phone or typing and clicking ferociously when I’m on the internet and my hubby asks me what I’m doing, I automatically say “nothing”. Not because I am doing things I shouldn’t be doing, but just because it’s not important, or at least I don’t feel it’s important. It’s mostly just forums and facebook and blogs and shopping and stuff. I can understand (at least a little bit) that these things are much less simple or self evident to you, because of the way your mind works, but I can also understand her side of getting annoyed by the fact that you keep asking. I think I would feel the same way. But as you have explained here, it is difficult for you to ignore these things and not feel paranoid, especially being on the downslope of your depression so I do understand (again, at least a little bit) why you act that way. Hopefully you and GF can work through all of this together.
    Be well…

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