You don’t understand me, day #57

You’re the one
yea I’ve put all my trust in your hands
C’mon look in my eyes
here I am,
here I am

You don’t understand me my baby
You don’t seem to know that I need you so much
You don’t understand me my feelings
The reason I’m breathing, my lov

© Roxette/Per Gessle/Desmond Child/Jimmy Fun Music

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First of all, I’d like to thank the wonderful people who reacted to my blog yesterday. I haven’t replied you all, yet, but tomorrow at two starts my weekend and then I’ll have some more time. But thanks, it means a lot. I really appreciate it.

It made me think as well. Yes Sjak, you got me thinking…again! First on the school stuff, then on religion and now with your comment about saying “oh nothing” as a natural reply.

And it sound so simple indeed. Very simple. But it means, well, nothing and it’s really confusing me. And, in the context I put it in, it’s also worrying me. Because I see that you are doing something. My mind is already working on so many negative things that I am getting worried. So it’s only natural for me to ask you what you are doing. And when the response is that it’s nothing… It makes me even more suspicious… I don’t want to be nosey. But my trust is just to thin when I’m in the state I am in.

How can I explain this? I am trying to figure out if it is me, the depression, the autism? I know it is just not done to say you’re doing something and you say it’s nothing. My inner me says it’s a lie. That inner me reacts to it in a negative way. I know people, as Sjak pointed out, don’t mean to be dishonest. I kind of understand that. But somehow, I don’t understand it while it’s happening. But, to take my example of my previous post, when GF is doing nothing with her phone, I see her facial expressions. I see her looking worried, I hear her snort, I see a smile at times and some times it makes her grumpy. As I have mentioned in previous posts, I (try to) work with facial expressions. So I want to place the expressions with the “events” that brought them up.

So me asking has two “functions” actually. To ease my non logical worries and to match the expressions with happenings.

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I have no idea where “me” ends and where the autism and depressions begin. I have always been as I am, as long as I can remember… Just the depressions, they have been with me for about half my life now… As far as I can remember. I have always asked a lot of questions, when I felt at ease that is. When I don’t feel at ease, I find a quiet spot and wait ’till it gets better. But I have a broad span of interests. This has also been a difficulty for me when I needed to chose education for my job to be. Of course, I was a huge failure back then (and some times still now, in my own depressed opinion).
If only it were as easy to say “ah well, I have these quirks and habits due to my AS, I have these fears and anxieties because of my depressions and I can keep up because my ADHD fuels me, even if my body says it’s a no go”. Some of my “different” habits can be assigned to some of them, as they are more specific. But still, one can’t write off all “crazy quirks” to mental illness when they are in the list of most common…

It’s really confusing. It confuses me even more. Because my mind already works in mysterious ways and now I am trying to figure something out which, I guess, will never be “worked out”. Almost two years ago, I had a brain scan. I had so many headaches that my GP send me to the hospital to get scanned. There it turned out that my brain is functioning on about 150% compared to the “average people”. Guess my brain has ADHD as well 😉  I know, I know, my brain is what causes the rest of my body to “have” it but still… Lame joke…

I want to understand people. I want to understand social situations. But most of all, I would love to understand myself. How can someone else understand me if I can’t understand me???

It’s time for me to sleep. I hope I’ll sleep better than last night. I woke up for a toilet visit. I saw the light of my Nexus blink. It disturbed me, so I checked it’s messages. I saw GF posted a new blog. So OK, I am curious. So I read it. And after that, spend an hour awake in bed, twisting, thinking, wondering, worrying, crying softly. And when I finally fell asleep, the alarm went off an hour later.

Tomorrow is the last early waking of the week. Next week, late shift. So late blog posts as well. But for now, thanks for the usual dears! From a worried Lonely Wallflower with luv.

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 12, 2012.

3 Responses to “You don’t understand me, day #57”

  1. I’ve read your post and I don’t know what to say. I am sorry I got you worried. I just felt really bad. Tnx for your sweet reply
    XxX GF XxX

  2. I get an error on the video viewing front!

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