Different, together. A letter to GF.

Sitting in my attic room. Head pounding. Tears burning. Trying to let go of my anxiety. I write, well type, down these thoughts running through my head. iPod on. Surprised that the battery was still this much charged. First song is Tro by Marie Fredriksson. One of my favorite ballads by her, very appropriate to accompany my writing. Later I switched to Within Temptation.

I am writing to my GF. We spoke this evening. It hurt me in a strange way. With this writing I hope to figure out what is wrong…besides my stupid mental illnesses… HATE them. They make me hate me.

We’re different in so many ways, still there is a strong bond between us. But every time I hit a low, our relationship is shaking on it’s foundations. I am feeling depressed. And when you aren’t feeling all too good either, my mood drags you down. We both get irritated with each other. We both get more grumpy. At work we behave like we’re OK and jolly. That drains our energy to a low. We’re in a vicious circle until one of us feels better and is ready to help the other.

We both feel sorry for things we do. But not always for the same things. We’re so different. Different ideas about so many things. We collide at times. Other times we’re the worlds biggest lovers. We can love and cherish and forget the whole world around us. But we can fight like b*tches until we bleed. Still we feel sorry for the suffering. If not the pain we inflicted on each other, than the pain we feel ourselves.

I feel I am losing everything. My sanity, if I ever had it. My dignity, as my behavior worsens while the depression once again grows. I am losing the battle, again, to fight of this depression. You’ve suffered your setbacks as well. So we’re both stressed for different reasons. And then we collide… I feel I’m losing you. And it scares me. Hurts me, in so many ways. Hurst you even. I’m like an animal in danger, trying to overcome this bad situation.

Finally some words are spoken that needed to be said. GF is disappointed in my behavior. As I could have been more enthusiastic about recent events for her. I told her it’s not my character. Especially when I’m down like this. Yeah, but lately I’ve been down more than usual. So while knowing that, my dear, what did you expect from me? You know I have my good moments but all of the other moments, I’m below average.

I hurt people. I have trust issues. Big ones. I am direct and honest. My mental problems are getting stronger, or so it seems. Though I start to recognize symptoms, I still am not smart nor strong enough to fight it and win. I am weak.

We’re so different. You talk about our future together. As have I mentioned it here in my blog. But right now, it still hurts me so much to think of the moment when I have to tell… I am dreading it. It scares me so much. I don’t want to think about it too much. But the moments after that is all you seem to think about. I know you have issues with BF. But the way you’re dealing with it now only makes it harder for me.

I don’t love myself for all the pain I have caused in the past and will cause in the future. But now there are two people who want me. And I eventually need to chose. The moment that I feared as soon as we became a threesome. I am living with two relationships now and I can’t handle it the way it goes now.

Scared. Hurt. Depressed. Loved. Cried. Laughed. Shared.

We’re so different. But still…that connection, that click. I can’t overcome all that bugs you about me. I wish I could but it’s within me, in my head. Not by choice. But you can choose. Even though you’ve dealt with things differently in the past, doesn’t mean you can’t change them now.

No more lying. Be honest. Be fair. Be straightforward. Be mine.

Whatever happens in my silly brain, please remember my heart. Know that the brain is strong for a while but the heart wins in the end.

I love you.

I’m sorry.

Forever your wicked girl, with luv, LW xXx


~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 14, 2012.

8 Responses to “Different, together. A letter to GF.”

  1. I wonder do you take medication for the depression / mood disorder?

    • I have been on Lithium for 6 months. Blood tests told me the amount was OK. But I felt more and more depressed with suicidal nightmares and thoughts. I felt like the best things could not make me feel happy/smile anymore. So I quit them. Have been off the meds since…

  2. Quitting meds without going through a proper withdrawal is perhaps the worst thing you can do, the depression / low mood will eventually return. If perhaps the Lithium was not working for you, you need to consider other mood stabilisers; Lithium is just one of many. I would (given how you are feeling) see your GP / Psych to discuss going back onto some kind of medication.

    • I didn’t quit cold turkey. I build them down over a period of time. GF had called Pdoc and he told her how I should quit. I hate taking pills. But I also hate feeling this way. Will discuss this with GF tomorrow. Maybe she can call Pdoc to check. I am horrible with phone calls. GF knows and that’s why she makes most of my calls…which I am very grateful for. Thanks. *hugs*

  3. I have been reading your post and the comments on that by MsLeftie. I have been thinking about it all for a while and now I feel I am ready to write a reply. I hope I can find the right words. Happily I also have the time now..

    First of all I feel like I am living on the edge and I almost fall of. I really don’t know what to do, how to act. You are feeling more depressed by the day and there’s not a thing I can do about it. It seems that this whole situation is asking its toll… also for you. You can’t stand it, I can’t stand it. You get irritated by me looking forward to leaving. But THAT’S the thing that keeps me going. That’s the thing I am looking forward to, day by day. I don’t know if I can do this any longer without thinking about that. I want to safe the money and look around. But it seems that all you want to do is stay, changing the living room and stuff like that. I thought that’s what you wanted for us.

    You tell me that I have to act normal, because I could do that when I was living with my mom and her husband. But that’s a whole different situation…. Yes I hated the guy and yes I could not stand him. But he was not acting like he knows me, like he cares. He was leaving me alone. You could not be around (ex?) friend because that’s not good for your mood. Well double that and that’s what I feel for him. But I have to live every single day with him and I just wish that he leaves me alone. I don’t want him to act like he cares because he don’t. He don’t have to call me “lekkertje” because it’s not his to call. I am getting so annoyed by him as a person that I can’t look at him. I don’t want to talk to him more than I need, I don’t want to tell him how my day went, what I did. I do everything for him that needs to be done: make sure there’s food cooked on the table, feed the dog and walk with her. But I just can’t have a chat with him because it makes me angry, annoyed and in the need of screaming and that’s not good for me.

    I really miss you when I am sleeping. But that’s also a thing that won’t happen a lot as long as we are here because I can’t do it anymore. And the weird thing is: you sleep with him. When we want to spend the night together we have to think about how to do so, not telling him because maybe he gets angry. But WTF: he sleeps with you all the time, we don’t need his permission to sleep together. That’s just weird. Right??

    You said that we are very different from each other. That we think differently about some things. Why should we argue about those things. We both know that we won’t be right according to the other person. So why have a discussion about it every single time. We should just let it rest and don’t talk about it anymore. It’s not good for both our moods.

    We did not talk about the calling the Pdoc part but if you want me to call him, I will. But try to remember how this went last time. I know you just want the medicine but on the other side you don’t want them. He will be asking you to come by and I also know that you won’t like that either. So just think about it some more and then let me know what you want and I’ll make the call.

    With love


  4. […] by. It was a mixed day. Not sure what to think of it… GF commented on a previous post of mine, “Different, together. A letter to GF”. Her replies have been on my mind and I guess they will dominate my post. So well, here I […]

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