Do I have to say the words? day #62

© Bryan Adams

I don’t want to let you go
So I’m standing in your way
I never needed anyone like I’m needin’ you today
Do I have to say the words?
Do I have to tell the truth?
Do I have to shout it out?
Do I have to say a prayer?
Must I prove to you, how good we are together?
Do I have to say the words?

© Bryan Adams

Another day has gone by. It was a mixed day. Not sure what to think of it… GF commented on a previous post of mine, “Different, together. A letter to GF”. Her replies have been on my mind and I guess they will dominate my post. So well, here I go…

Some of the things GF mentioned in her comment, we already talked about. Oh, if you have no idea what this is about, but you are interested, please click the link I provided above to the post and comments. Sukkelige emoticon

I can’t understand how GF changed from being in a relationship to hating BF. I know he has his faults, heck I have filled some posts about them… But everyone has his/her faults, no one is perfect. I know the love I felt for him isn’t all that it used to be. But it is too hard to really hate him. We’ve been through so much, it is hard for me to hate. I think I feel more pity for him than GF can ever imagine. After so many years… I wish I could hate him as easily as GF seems to do it. It would make it a whole lot easier. But the way GF is acting up now when BF behaves normally and shows real interest, well, it hurts and bugs me a lot. Denkende emoticon

I know they are both afraid to lose me. DON’T ask me why, if I get started on that topic, well, the way I feel right now… Yup, I don’t understand… But still, these two people, both different and the same, want to grow old with me. I sometimes even ask myself if I want to become old… Ahh… Distractions… And with GF acting the way she does to BF, he only gets annoyed and frustrated because he does his best and he feels it’s not appreciated at all. Of course that f*cks up the whole situation. I have asked her to be nice when he is. She said she’d answer but really didn’t want him to show any interest at all… Sure he can feel that! But I am in the middle and it’s really hurting me so much! If only they could just be decent friends… It would take some of my stress away for sure. Vrede

GF wonders why I want to make changes… Why not wait till we live together. But I am still not there completely. I am still heart broken and not sure about so many things. As I just wrote, I still care for him. And I care for her. It is damn difficult. And GF chose to sleep separately ever since she decided to really dislike BF. With that, she also chose to not sleep beside me. Yes, I most often sleep next to BF. Only not during my night shifts, I sleep in my attic room then. And sometimes when I work the early shift, I sleep separated as I otherwise am too distracted by their sounds. The attic room is dark and one hears less noise coming from the lower floors. Slapende halve maan

And I know it is silly that BF is so jealous whenever I want to sleep with GF for a change. I did talk to him a while ago and he said I was right, it was silly, but he just missed me so much when I wasn’t around. So I asked him how he handled it when he used to work nightshifts and now I work them. He said that work is important but it does not take away the discomfort of not being together. I want to talk some more about it with him as I want to be able to sleep together with GF once in a while (well actually, always, but it’s not possible, she made her choice and I need to respect that). Without the jealousy. If they both behave jealous there is only one answer: sleep single all the time. Then no one is happy, we’re all miserable and lonely, but no need for jealousy… Ik-weet-het-niet-emoticon

Difficulties. Yes we are different. And GF writes that on some things, we will never agree. So we just need to accept that and move on. But some of these issues will keep popping up, whether I want to or not (my difficult brain having a lot to do with it) and that means we need to deal with it again and again. Verlegen emoticon

I love GF a whole lot. There are times I really hate her. But heck, there are many times I hate myself even more… I care for BF, whether I want to or not… I know GF has this whole plan made up for leaving him, or leaving him and me, and moving away. It kind of makes me feel used. And if she goes through with the plan, I think BF will feel the same. I know her home situation sucked. That’s why she came to us to begin with. That, and love. She lost her job, got an education. And now she’s ready with it, well almost, got a decent job and she wants to set off. Can you see what I mean? Huilende emoticon

I know I am the biggest problem of them all… They both want me. I want to please them both as I care for them both but I know that option is fading away. I know that if I would have to chose, who I would want to be with. But that doesn’t mean that even thinking about that decision, tears aren’t forming in my eyes. It hurts. I hurt. And I will cause more hurting. I don’t want that… I don’t want to hurt either one of them. But GF made up her mind and it seems she is ready to leave, with or without me. And I can’t. Just not yet. Still waiting until the day comes and I can think about it without crying why typing about it. There are times when I just hope that BF will f*ck up good to give me the best reason of all to split up. Verwelkte roos

But for now, we still have some plans together. And I just wish GF would be able to merely like him as she used to. He still cares for her and I know it hurts him when she treats him like this. Yeah, he can be an @$$. Well, so can I… So why not stop loving me as well? These are situations that, seeing the polygamous relations and all, would be hard to grasp as a “normal”/average person. But for me, I don’t get it. I want to understand… I want to feel better than I am doing now. I just really hope, if I would believe then I could pray but I don’t, that GF can find a place in her heart that will make her able to see that BF has his good sides. And that the whole stressed situation here would be a little less stressed if she could release her tension towards him. I just hope… Engel

OK, changing the topic before signing off and finally be able to really watch some DVD before bed time… I am still (well, second day now) walking after work. Next week it will be more difficult as I work the night shift then… But yesterday, the brown girl and I walked 2,5 kilometers and this evening, we walked 2,7 kilometers. Within 30 minutes after working a full day. And at work, I can only sit during my breaks. I work 7,5 hours and have a total of 1 hour break ( 15-30-15 minutes). And it’s a lot of walking… So I am very pleased that I were able to walk so much after working… As long as it is not raining… Me not likey walking in the rain and the dog will smell like wet dog (yeah DUH!) in the end… Yuck… Onweerswolk Hondengezicht

It’s 1:30 am now and time for me to send this post on to the world wide web. Hope you all had a nice day. Thanks for the usual dears! From Lonely Wallflower with luv Rode roos

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 18, 2012.

8 Responses to “Do I have to say the words? day #62”

  1. Hate is a strong emotion to say the least,

    when it comes to a love triangle such as you have found yourself in, there is always going to be some degree of green eyed monster syndrome from either one of the two parties involved,

    be it BF or GF, they are in competition with one another,

    when neither one of the two can see past the green eyed monster, to realise that each of them have a different kind of love & bond they share with you

    each of them is equally as special,

    there is no love like male-female love,

    nor is there a love quite like female-female love.

    In fact if you look at it you are lucky to experience both.

    They do not see how they are tearing you apart, which is sad

    If they could stand back from the overall situation and simply look in from an out side perspective they would see what a valuable flower they are hurting.

    By your need to want to keep them both happy, you are making yourself so miserable.

    I guess that you know this already,

    I also am picking that you do know that there is going to have to be the one thing you really don’t want to do.

    Make a choice.

    Stick by that choice, who ever you choose.

    Once you have finalised this choice, remember there is no looking back.

    There is no going back.

    What is done is done.

    Be prepared is my advice for the emotions that will come from nowhere, emotions that you don’t even know you hold within you up to date.

    But know that when you finally stop the cat and mouse game, the constant need to make 2 people out of the 3 in this relationship, when the one they both want is so tired, so drawn and so past all the bullshit, they will realise what they have lost.

    Whichever way you choose to go in this triangle, it is going to change you as a person for ever.

    This is something that I think the 3 of you may not of considered.

    My thoughts and my heart really does go out to you, as this lesson that you are about to face in the school of hard knocks is a lesson that i think you have an understanding of deep down.

    It is now simply cutting the cord’s that bind you one way or the other.

    It is now the fear of picking the wrong one, as you care and love them both deeply. It is the fear of the unknown.

    • I would like to ask you not to talk about how I feel and what I do and don’t see. I do see how she is hurt and I am sure her BF (in his own weird way) sees it too. But we are humans too and have feelings too. We act in our own way and do the things we do. yes I hate him and wants him to be away from me as much as possible. But I am still here aren’t I? I am still there for lw and I wont leave her untill she tells me to. I wont be human if that wont hurt me. I also have of think about my own mind instead only hers. It woont be fair towards myself to only think about lw andpush my own away right?

      • I am guessing this comment is not meant for me/my post but for the previous commenter? If so, please don’t be angry as I know it was a well meant reply. And I would like to reply to your comment my dear.

        I know you see. I know you feel. But sometimes it is hard to know if you see how I feel. And it can be hard to see how you feel. Because of how we feel we chose our actions and reactions. It is normal to keep our own feelings in mind when making those choices. I know it is a whole lot harder to keep someone else’s feelings in mind at the same time. Our feelings can be so strong, so convincing and overwhelming, that we can only react on them, losing the “bigger picture” out of sight.

        I know we don’t intentionally want to hurt each other. I know we want the best for each other. I know that most of the time we believe we’re the best for each other. And that may be…

        But unfortunately my brain and heart love to be in conflict. They love to argue endlessly and throughout the day and night. And as I stated in my previously placed comment: I need them to agree on this. If I walk away from either one of you without that agreement of heart and head, I know I will have regrets forever and I will doubt my choices for ever…

        I am happy you’re still with me. And as I wrote in my blog, I just wished you and BF could at least be more friendly. Trim down that hate as you know he will eventually be the one to lose the way things are now. And think about what he will lose, who he will lose. How would you feel if it were the other way around? And I mean completely around… We bought the house, we’ve been together for almost 14 years, you’re not as pretty as you used to be at age 36,5 and you are bound to lose me…to someone you care about as well and you’ve taken into your home…

        I guess that is my problem. Trying too much to look at it through another person’s eyes with my own thoughts and feelings attached… Losing my own feelings in the progress because, as I stated, I am a pleaser… I want to keep everyone happy and I know I will fail immensely. Which adds another difficulty for me to overcome…

        Ah well… Sweets thank you for loving me so much, even if I don’t deserve it. Sorry you have to deal with all my difficulties and mental challenges… I love you and you know it! Thank you for that….

    • Thanks for your long reply. I know that many of the things you write are right. But when my feeling, my head and heart, are not ready yet… If I would make that decision now I know I will doubt myself forever…

      And I KNOW GF cares. She reads my blog, comments, sometimes writes her own blog (did you check that one yet). My comments towards her were merely to try to show her how certain things affect me. And affect the situation we’re in.

      We did have some lovely years together. Filled with fun and love. And I guess I am hoping to get that back because I loved it so much. And knowing it will never happen again causes me pain. Back then there was less jealousy, more love, a happier time. And I know GF isn’t going to change her mind. But she has changed her mind in the past about our situation and THAT is the part I am trying to understand. What made it change?

      Of course I know BF inside and out after almost 14 years. And that makes it so difficult. It is easier, I think, to walk away after 14 weeks or even months. But years… and yeah I have hated him. But I hate hated GF (and myself) as well.

      This situation needs time for me to understand. And when the feeling is right for me, then I can decide wise and whole heartily.

    • PS. But thanks again for your great reply.

    • I have to agree with many of the things Angel said in her comment.

      I see LW as someone who is stuck in the middle of a relationship with two people she loves and two people she does not want to hurt by choosing between them. I see GF as someone is who waiting and supporting LW, by being there, reading the blogs etc… Writing her own blog, but I see nothing from BF, I only can assume about BF and the kind of person he is, and I get the feeling he is not so nice. Perhaps far too dependent on LW and that is why she is scared to leave him because of what could happen to him if she ends the relationship.

      I only hope one day LW can make a decision, (for me and I know nothing of your situation, I think GF is the option for you!) but equally I can understand how difficult it is to leave BF when you have been together a long time.

      Angel is right though, I think this relationship is making you unhappy and miserable. The longer you continue with it; the more your mental health is going to decline.

      • Thanks for your comment.

        Wish I had the right answers and all. I know this situation isn’t the best. But I need to feel good when I make the decision… I know it may not seem/be fair to GF. But we have talked about it and will no doubt speak more about it.

        I need to chose. I need to hurt someone I care for. And I need to hurt myself. But I am not ready to deal with all this pain yet. I am scared it would cause me to get more serious about my very depressed thoughts……

        Thanks for caring. It means a lot. *hug*

      • Yes McLeftie, Thank you for caring and thanks for reading my blog too. 😉

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