Choosing, day #63

Choosing © Alli Rogers

And I guess I need to choose
But today I am confused
And losing ground

But maybe this is where I grow
When I admit that I don’t know
When belief becomes the only way to you

© Alli Rogers

So well… BF finally went to bed, thought he’d never go and give me some peace and quiet time before going to bed myself. My previous post went about choosing, choices, love and pain. I answered the replies (thanks for that dears!) as best as I good. But tonight, I don’t want to go into that topic again. OK maybe just a little bit. Denkende emoticon

I know I am selfish in keeping GF with me in a situation she dislikes so much. And BF can be a nice person, he always was a loving man with good humor. But he has changed and so have I. He doesn’t know I am blogging. I only told GF after a while. In some things, I see similarities between them and in other things they are so complete. That is why I loved it so much when the three of us were still loving and caring. They completed me n every single way possible and I enjoyed it. I ♥ it. And now it’s gone…

Though something has changed a little I am thinking between GF and BF tonight. BF was very positive about her, saying she was finally nice and normal to him. Hearing this from him made me feel good… Even though it will never heal completely, I do believe that our situation may be better to live with if we do respect each other. So yeah, I am happy about that. At least something to be feeling warm and fuzzy about. Still need to talk to BF about sleeping with GF. Ow this sounds so wrong… But I have an idea… Silly but hopefully it will work.

And I know that some day I have to pack up my bags and leave. and of course, while typing this, tears start flowing again. Why can’t I just hate him??? I know he cares, in his own way, and that I am important to him… And maybe he relies too much on me, I don’t know. But almost 14 years… We’ve been through so much…

I know GF will be there for me. I know I hurt her by not being ready to leave yet. But I don’t want to live with myself if I leave before I am ready. And of course, there is still a part of me that cares for him… Damn, that is why I didn’t want to go into this… Snot running from my nose, head pounding and drowning myself in tears… Huilende emoticon

When it started to go wrong between the three of us, I have felt sorry for myself. Because in the very beginning, I was afraid that something like this would happen and I would need to make a choice I would never want to make… They assured me it would not happen. So of course, it happened. So I felt sorry for me. Now I am past that. But I moved my thoughts too much towards how they must be feeling (in my brain’s opinion that is) and now I feel sorry for them. I feel I am using them both. And I don’t want that. I know I have asked time in the end of last year to GF and she gave it to me. But I have to admit that since my last warning to BF (that same time period), he did adjust. I am not sure if this is all he ever will be able to. And I know I have given him a chance. But still…

OK I am starting to feel even worse than I did before starting to write this blog. People, dear readers, I KNOW I have to choose. I know I shouldn’t wait too long, but long enough to adjust to it. I have a fear of letting go someone I know and care about… I fear people I love will leave me (crazy world) because I feel safe and good with them. I am bad in adjusting. To anything and everything!!! And this can be considered as a HUGE adjustment. So I am really sorry for GF (and BF) but I really need this time. So please, don’t point out to me I need to make a choice, I know… And I know I should choose GF, as I have been thinking the same ever since my password protected posts last year. I do thank you for caring, reading, taking all that time to see what I wrote and to answer it… Thank you!

NOW I am really switching subjects. The walking. Yeah! The not eating candy. Whoop whoop! I walked a longer route with the little brown girl this morning. The weather was OK and in the end we walked 3,23 kilometer (according to my MapMyWalk+ app), which is about 2 miles. This evening, it was raining. I walked alone. But my GPS had a silly error so I am not completely sure about the length of my walk. I am thinking that it’s about 1,7 kilometer (little over a mile). The rain was, in combination with the wind, not pleasant. The iPod was. So I am hoping tomorrow morning will bring some sun. Or at least dry weather. Checking our popular weather/rain website now! It’s looking promising for my time frame so far.

I must admit, I miss my potato chips in the evening. But GF told me I was allowed one bag for the weekend. Nice of her isn’t it Knipogende emoticon Yeah, I asked her to live healthy with me and she agreed it would be better for the both of us. I just hope that she is doing the same. Looking at the calories and all. Not obsessive counting, but just keeping in mind what you stuff into yourself. I know GF looks perfect! I know her weight is good. If she loses anything, I’d be afraid I’d brake her when I hug her! But eating healthy is good for us all. And it is proven that you get less colds/illnesses when your personal care is okidoko.
I have been eating my apples and bananas. I have had some candy at work, but I work with a lot of walking, lifting stuff and all. So I guess a few candies shouldn’t be too much of a problem. But feeling so low, especially after crying, I am ready to binge! My belly is making noises. I don’t want to give in. But I do feel hungry. Maybe I am not eating enough because I am not so stressed and focused on losing weight. I need something positive to hold on to. I don’t want to descent any further into my depression… It is hard to keep on going. But I know I need to lose the weight. I know I hate myself with the extra burdens called my belly and behind.

So well, good care also means enough sleep. Thanks to BF going to bed later than usual, I started later and of course… I end later. It’s almost 2:30 am now and I need to recharge my energy and get some sleep.

AGAIN thank you for caring. Thank you for commenting. Please keep in mind what I asked of you, thanks also for that.

Thank you for choosing Wallflower Airlines Vliegtuig I hope you had a pleasant flight and I hope to welcome you back on one of my flights soon. Bye bye now, bye bye Slapende halve maan

From Lonely Rode roos Wallflower, with luv Regenboog

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 19, 2012.

4 Responses to “Choosing, day #63”

  1. There’s really not much I can say about the first topic of your post. As you have stated yourself: sooner or later you are going to have to make some choices, and you have to make them yourself. People can tell you all they want, but it’s you who’s going to have to do it. I can imagine this is very difficult for you (and GF and BF as well). I can only say that I hope you will be able to make your choices in the (very) near future and that you will feel good (not necessarily happy (or happy-happy), but good) about the choices you make. People will be hurt in te process, as will you, but right now you’re already hurting so that won’t be much of a difference. And yes, change is scary, but personally, purely judging by the things you write here, I think change is the thing all of you need most right now, however much it may suck…

    As for the losing weight: never anything wrong with eating healthy, wether you are overweight or you can just eat anything without gaining an ounce (my hubby’s like that, very frustrating sometimes…). Hopefully together you will be able to do this and keep it up. Don’t deny yourself everything, that won’t work, but just try to be aware of what you eat and why you eat it. Do I really want to eat this, do I need to eat this, what will happen or how will I feel when I do eat it. It has made me able to cope with temptations much better (though I also still get these moments where my brain just goes blank and I eat/snack like there’s no tomorrow… unfortunately).

    • Thanks, again, for your reply dear. And yes, first issue, point taken and understood and really working on it the best I can. Need time. Need a free and open mind. Need courage…… Need money….. Ah well… Nuff said for now.

      GF can also eat almost anything and everything without gaining weight. But if she doesn’t eat right, she loses weight, and there is not much to lose, and she gets colds and all more quickly. I am a snack-addict, especially when I feel down. Binge eating and, almost always, afterwards feeling stupid for what I have done and some times trying to get it all out of me again. I am easily distracted from goals I set, even though I want this and I know I do like it when my mood is right. So I am trying to keep up the walking and mapping it, setting goals for myself with it. But I work in shifts so some weeks (as weeks like this with the late shift) are easier to walk more than the early shifts. But I hope people will encourage me to go on when I feel low and want to quit.
      I am trying to watch my food intake now. But GF and I made a deal in it. And I know she loves sugary snacks and candy even more than I do and I somehow have the feeling she is enjoying it while I may not. I have made the deal that in the weekends, I may live a little less healthy to compensate the other 5 days… I just hope GF will keep her end of this agreement. Because it will stimulate me more that way. If I know she i snacking, I find it easier to make up excuses why I could snack more too. And my mind will agree with all of them because I like it too much…

      As I mentioned in previous comment to you, I would like it a lot if we could maybe go out for a walk somewhere in a weekend or so. Chat up a bit and all… As mentioned there as well, you have my e-mail and cell number so feel free to contact me to set a date 🙂

      *hug* and thanks, with luv, LW

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