Social(ly) awkward, day #65

© Enya

Always looking for a meaning,
all the time you keep believing,
but I don’t know why
you won’t say goodbye.
Even when the sun is shining
you don’t see the silver lining,
but I don’t know why
you won’t say goodbye.

Is there a reason
why a broken dream can never fly?
Is there a reason
you believe and then you close your eyes?
Give me a reason
why you hide away so much inside.
If there’s a reason,
I don’t know why.

© Enya

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I have written before about the subject now at hand. Social(ly) awkwardness. We all believe to be social beings. We Tweet (or micro blog), we share almost everything through sites like Facebook, LinkedIn, FourSqare, MySpace, WordPress (hehe Knipogende emoticon) and so on. If you click here, you link that there so your “friends” there can see what you are doing here. It’s all called “social media”.

So me, social media are both good and bad. Good because I can share my stories, my doings and all in a free way. I can never really feel this free if I would have to tell it face to face. It gives me anonymity and it is mostly a one way street to begin with. When you write, post, click “like” somewhere, click “share” somewhere, you can make this decision totally by yourself. No one to interfere with your actions. No one to tell you it’s wrong or you should do it. And after you’re done, people may decide whether to respond or not. But what you wanted to say/write/share is on the world wide web then. Just the way you wanted it to be done.

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I always have difficulty facing new, unknown people. I am socially very awkward. I try to avoid some situations but I know I have to face some others. I have to learn how to deal with it, how to cope. Meeting new people is hard. I used to befriend everyone what was even remotely nice to me. I hungered to have friends. But I didn’t know what to do. I have had some friends and they were almost sacred to me. But somehow, most of the time I either screwed it up or I found out that people only had used me. As I have blogged about before.

I became more cautious, having been hurt and used one time too many. I talked about this a bit with GF last night. She asked me when I finally realized I had been used one time too many by people. When I decided to not wanting to be someone’s friend whatever it took (from my mart). When I chose to take a step back before daring to make that step forward again to start building a (careful) friendship.
I didn’t have to think long before being able to answer that. When I quit school, after I moved in with BF to take care for his mother and decided to work full time. I have been taken advantage of most while at school. And when things went bad and I quit to work full time, then I decided I needed to “grow up” and change. I had moved out of my parents’ house. I was 19. I was facing death more than I’d like to, but I needed to. I had to. So that is when I started to change my view on things.

That led GF and myself to a talk about death. Not the morbid type. But how we would react to actions that had to deal with loved ones being rushed to hospitals and all. GF said she would race as fast as she could to reach me. I asked why she would want to endanger herself and others by doing so. Because she can’t be there for me if she crashes due to the high speed dangerous driving. She asked what I would do then. I would follow the rules. I would not endanger myself nor others to get to her. Because in the end, it’s not much time you gain by endangering yourself.
I hope that I can use this part as an example of how I would react, how my social and personal interactions may differ from others.

And I have another example. Not sure if this example really fits in here, but here it goes. GF has worked at a fast food chain for 3 years to support her study. As she is now finally ending it with success, she can now finally move on to the job she wanted so badly that she went back to school for it. She got a new job, nice steady hours and a very nice pay. So she is working her last few days at that stinking job and then: normal work! I hate the smell on her when she has worked there. I hate the attitude that many of her so called co-workers that make her feel so pissed at times (what would you expect when working with cheap kids and all???). And I am so happy she found the job she wanted. I am so happy that all the hard work wasn’t for nothing. And now she is sad for having to leave the fast food chain. I can’t understand that. As she’s always known it was only to get her through her study. And now she finally has the job she worked so hard for all these years. Because of that study and work at the fast food place, we missed out on so much time together. And now, that will finally change. And instead of being overjoyed with all that positive happening to her, she is sad for leaving… I can’t understand. Is that a social misunderstanding of mine? Or am I seeing it normal/in general/average and is she the “weird” one on this? I feel stupid for not understanding. But she assured me that wasn’t necessary because she knew why I don’t understand and that I mean well. Which makes me feel even more stupid…

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But I can be a very social person…on-line. No one expecting you to look at them while you talk. No one to interrupt you when you are writing. Because now, they have to wait for you to post before they can react on it. And when talking face-to-face, there is NO anonymity for sure. Which makes it even more personal for me, most of the times it is too personal. Now we finally know my difficulties with this and we start to understand why I can’t cope. When in a new situation, I normally let GF or BF do the first talking/interacting while I just observe. In the beginning I always tried this but found out that BF and GF sometimes looked at me like “hey you gonna say anything or what?”. But BF doesn’t mind, doesn’t notice I guess because he’s used to it after all this time. GF now knows and also knows that, when introducing new people to me, to tread the path carefully.

I often feel stupid for being so awkward in social situations. I know it’s not really my fault but still. It makes me think a lot of bad things about myself. And at times, I do believe that my social stupidity is a reason for GF wanting to keep her friends separated from me (something I also have a lot of troubles with…painful and hurting ones). I believe that, if we are together, it would be good to have mutual friends. Due to all my being me, I don’t have that much close friends. And the ones I have don’t all just live around the corner. Due to GF’s work, education and all, she knows many people in our neighborhood. And she is eager to see many of them as friends (she is so totally the opposite of me).

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The following is merely my chain of thoughts on this topic. GF and I have talked about it, so she is aware. But I want to use it as it totally goes with being social, or the lack of it, or the need for it…

I want to get to know someone well before I will be able to call that person a friend. GF wants to feel included. She needs the (positive) attention. At times, I have thought of her as a (DON’T GET ME WRONG HERE!!! these are thoughts, a way to express my euh, thoughts…) social attention wh*re. She gets her kicks from attention from others. She wants to fit in, sometimes at high costs. She wants to be a part of it, needs to be part of it. At times, she is (un)willingly changing herself, her attitude, her behavior, to fit in best. And I have noticed those changes a few times. There are people out there that like you for the person you are. And if you need to change, in any way what so ever, for a friendship, you need to tell me what that friendship is made of and worth. Because if a friend can’t like you just for who you are… Well, I hope you all understand me in this.

But I am someone who won’t change to be seen as a friend. In my opinion, a friend is called just that because he or she likes you…just the way you are. I won’t change my opinion, looks, anything at all because of others. But GF is someone who needs to be liked because she craves for that attention. And I have seen her change. I have warned her. But as many times before, my warnings were thrown in the wind and swooshed away. And when I got more intense, a bit agitated that I didn’t recognize my GF anymore, she would/could get mad at me for never liking her friends. But if she changes to please someone in a friendship, is that friendship built on honesty or lies? And how long will she be able to cope? Will she change for ever to maintain that friendship? There are many questions and fears that go through my head. Of course she can have friends. But I am afraid that she’ll be doing lots of stuff with them and not with me (there must be a nice name next to misplaced jealousy for it). And, as stated, I am scared that she will change…

But yeah, jealousy. Fear of being left behind. Fear of losing someone I love. Fear of missing out the fun in her life. Especially when I am on my slippery slope down towards dark depressions, I need positive attention. Even if I haven’t earned it due to bad behavior due to the sliding down the slope. And when I see her interacting with others, I feel that precious time is taken from me. When I see her having fun with others, even if I don’t get it, I feel bad for not being the one to make her laugh, or being able to laugh with her.
Which of course leads me to thinking she can do better than me. And which leads me to thinking she ha already found someone better. And on and on and on… And this all started with being awkward around strangers…

It’s time to go to bed. Alarm goes off in 6 hours and 30 minutes. Thanks for everything, the usual and surprisingly unusual support!

From Lonely Wallflower with luv Rode roos

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 21, 2012.

One Response to “Social(ly) awkward, day #65”

  1. I think it is normal for GF to feel sad about leaving her job, after all she was there for three years, no matter how much she hated it or you did it was part of her life, and that job helped her get through her study so she can now have the career she wants!

    I am sure in time she will forget about the place and settle into her new job role!

    P.S Good news she got a new job!

    As for Social Networking, it was great when it came out, the likes of MySpace followed my Facebook and Twitter, I used them all but I refuse to continue to use them as I hate my personal news being out there in the WWW, (I also doubt blogging but will continue for now!) I found FB especially took up to much time and I do not miss it in the slightest despite people asking me to come back!

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