Depression dooms, day #78
I really feel bad. I feel angry. I feel pain. I feel frustration. I feel alone. I feel…
And that is what I don’t want to do for a while. Feeling. To have feelings.
Because they hurt. They make me well, feel the way I do now. They steer my behavior in the most negative way. I know it’s wrong and I wish I could stop it.
And people who have no experience at all with feelings, moods, like these, they would respond something like this: well, you recognize it so then why don’t you do anything about it (besides whining about it, they might think at the same time).
Those people have no idea how hard it is to finally be able to recognize (some of) the symptoms. How frustrating it is when you notice when you’re slipping down the path of depression again.
It took me a lot of strength to start reading books about depression, bipolar disorder and autism/Asperger’s syndrome. Even though I want to know so much about it, it also terrifies me. Some things you read about are not really me, so easy to go through. Some other items can be so close, so me, that it is confronting and sometimes a bit scary. I started many self-help and informative books but never finished any of them…yet… I Googled for info to share here on this blog. And some things, future prognostics and all…yikes!
Have you ever been really depressed? Have you ever felt truly so bad that you went to your GP for it who diagnosed you as depressed? Have you ever had nightmares where you dreamt of suicide and when waking up, you felt sorry for yourself that it wasn’t real? Have you ever tried anti-depressants (did they help for you?) because you couldn’t begin to imagine how it feeling happy/good should be?
I have been singing at work, making my own lyrics as I went along. I hated myself for not being able to write down or record all I sang because I had some really strong lyrics… GF tells me that when I am really depressed, I do my best writing. Unfortunately, not blogging…
But yes, after many years, reading, writing down feelings, I am able to recognize a depression when it’s coming up. Unfortunately, I have no idea on how to stop it. I can warn people, try to talk with them. But often I am already very grumpy which makes me a difficult talking partner without any fights and/or disagreements. And lately, the one person I feel I can talk to (GF), has been down a bit herself (which might explain my poem which I wrote and blogged yesterday). Yesterday I did my best to help her. Today, I needed her and felt let down. Guess it’s partly due to my grumpy ness and all… But I told her I felt bad and seemed like she didn’t care. Like there were more important things for her than my mental well being.
I know I have been down a lot lately and I must be wearing her out. Last weekend was good but it did drain me from a lot of energy. I know feel I am lacking and can’t seem to recharge. I can’t energize while sleeping. As I shared before, I feel more tired than anything when waking up. Last weekend was nice, was fun, but also hard. Too many people at the same time. Too much worries inside my stupid brain, all those “what if” questions, too busy trying not to forget anything important. Trying to make the guests feel welcome and taken care off. And at the end of the day, I hoped all had a good time at our place and I am exhausted. When I think of all the plans for upcoming weekends, how good they may be, they still make me feel tired before they’re there. A weekend without plans sounds so nice right now.
That is one of the things GF and I argued about today, well actually yesterday. Her best friend ever wanted to come over this weekend as, of course, she couldn’t make it last weekend… GF asked me about it, implying Saturday. Since it’s GF’s real bday today, I thought Saturday would be OK. I work the late shift and this way, I could at least spend some time with GF on her special day. But of course plans change and now, it’s scheduled for directly after GF is off from work. So NO time for GF and myself. Plus extra costs, where we have to save some money since we’re going out to dinner next week. Which always costs more than simple groceries… This wasn’t what I had planned and it made me angry. Left out. GF told me that she never really cared for her birthday. That is why I thought one hour together on her birthday would be special, in a silly way (blame the brain, blame me for thinking this way). So she makes plans. Interfering plans. So I am angry and upset since this way, I would be last to really congratulate her. So she offered to stay awake. I told her that it would be her choice. So she went to bed an hour before I was done with work. She was pissed. I don’t understand. She doesn’t like to really celebrate her birthday, she does like to sleep. She gets grumpy when she sleeps less. So I tell her it is her choice and I am to blame… I don’t understand… I feel so stupid because I just don’t get it.
I told her that I felt left our in planning stuff for this weekend. I know I always discuss everything and I miss that in her planning. Because it is just that, her planning… Her friend. Her birthday. Me standing in the way with my depressed state of mind… And I don’t understand it…
I guess I need to go to bed. Will I feel disappointment again when I wake up in the morning? I congratulated GF through Whatsapp and Facebook. As she told me she didn’t want it anymore from me in person as it didn’t matter anyway. Then why do I feel like crying all the time now? Why do I feel like the world’s lousiest GF? Why can’t I begin to understand her train of thoughts?
I want to drown myself in alcohol. I know it won’t resolve anything but normally it helps me sleep for a while. Dreamless most of the time. I think, as I never really recall my dreams after waking up. If it wasn’t a working day tomorrow, well today, I would have taken a sleeping pill. But alas, work another day before weekend begins.
Thanks for reading and all the usual. Sorry for the ranting and venting. But here I feel safe enough to do so without causing any real harm. I hope…
From a sad and lonely Wallflower with luv.
~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 4, 2012.
Posted in Bi-polar, Depression, Journal, Mental illness
Tags: A blog a day, Alcohol, Autism, Depression, Dreams, Friends, Journal, Nightmares, Pain, Party, People, Social, Understanding, Weekend, Work