Leave me alone…in your arms please…

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Oh depression. I have been dreading you for about two weeks now. Keeping you at bay. Trying to think and act positive. I did manage. But I could not refill the energy I needed to do so. So now you find me, weak and drained, and I feel like giving up. You persuade me to come to the dark side. Yeah, you have cookies… I am fat already, remember depression? And I am not really a cookie person. But all the other things you tell me, you whisper so only I can hear it. Very carefully you lay the path you intend me to follow. In the beginning I was stronger. Now I feel like following you even though I know I’d rather go left instead of right.

I try to think on the good things that I have planned. My plans so you, dear mister depression, will have to deal with that! Of course you will find a way to make me feel like I don’t deserve the good things. You will make me anxious when I am surrounded by many people, as you always have managed to do so. But for this, I have found a coping mechanism. People who don’t know me and my situation may judge me on, what seems to them, weird behavior. But I am passed the point where I gave a f*ck about that. Because in these situations, it helps me to get through them and even enjoy them. And I won’t let anyone take that away from me. This is a solution that works.

Now if only I had a solution to fight of depression. I am now at a point where, do to reading about it and writing about it, I am able to tell it’s coming. And I have tried to shield it with positivity. But attack after attack, difficult situations, the lack of decent sleep… Shielding drains energy and refilling it is hard. Too hard now, it seems… My eyes look like I just returned from a horror show…where I was the main attraction.

I push everyone away because I don’t want to hurt them. I know my reactions are not really my own, mister depression keeps steering me and while fighting him off, he does win more and more ground. So knowing I am not really me, I want to keep people at bay. Afraid I will hurt them. But I guess it’s more a self defence when I think of it. I am vulnerable, b*tchy but still, and don’t want others to see me like this. I don’t want them to see me as the monster I am now. I don’t need people’s opinions and judgement. I know it’s mister depression at work and I blame me for being weak. I blame myself for letting him win and letting him in again. I am angry at myself. Angry at others because I feel they didn’t help me enough. I have no clue to how they should help me, but I still feel this way. I wrote warning signs in my blog, hoping people would react and help me, in any way, without me needing to ask. When mister depression is whispering sweet stupid lines through my ear into my brain…I can’t directly ask for help. He prevents that. Tells me it will only make me look more weak towards others. It will give them something to use against me. It will show them how stupid I am. And I know I am but that doesn’t mean others may judge me on it as well. It’s already painful enough when I judge myself. When I notice it’s all wrong again.
Been arguing with GF. Seems we can’t agree on anything. Dunno if it’s only me or of it’s her as well. Can’t say I really care at the moment. She tells me to choose what I want. That I can’t push her away and then expect her to be there for me. She still doesn’t see that this is exactly one of the things that mister depression does with me. I push away, to feel safe in many ways, but it makes me feel so lonely and vulnerable that I need someone that goes like “f*ck your pushing away, I push back and and stronger and I will be there with you, for you, no matter how difficult it will be”. But unfortunately… People like to be pushed away if it keeps them away from difficult situations they’d rather not deal with. So my pushing is convenient for them and why should anyone bother to push back? Walking away is so much easier than fighting with/for someone that needs it so much but can’t dare to ask it…

Depression is so much more than dealing with a bad day or a bad week even. Depression is so much deeper. And you are ashamed for your deep inner thoughts. You don’t really want others to see it. You wear a mask, you have to, so no one will ask you questions you don’t want to answer. You pretend it’s OK because deep inside you want it to be OK, you need it to become OK. But as soon as the mask comes off, reality comes back with a vengeance. You will be confronted with all that you pushed away while wearing your mask. Tears come. Headache worsens and all you want to do is hide in a dark corner and cry. All you need is someone there to hold you. Not to tell you it will be alright because that never helps at all. But to hold you close. Make you feel loved in an time where it seems all love is slipping away. Make you feel warm when mister depression is doing his best to make you feel cold and empty hearted.

So while mister depression tells you to join the dark side, push people away for so many reasons and be alone… While that little bit that is left of the real you keeps screaming into the darkness. Screaming for love and attention. Hoping some noise will find a way through the black hole you’ve fallen into. Hoping it will get past mister depression without him stopping it. Hoping it will find the right person. And all that hope builds up while mister depression is already tearing it apart. Your foundation is shaking. Your mind is making over hours and you can’t seem to keep up. But you have to try otherwise it all becomes too much, too overwhelming, too strong.

Eventually something (small) will happen that helps you see some light through the darkness. Eventually your inner you will have gathered just enough strength and courage to fight a way back to the light, out of the darkness. I can’t tell you how long it takes. I can tell you that non judgemental support (without all the understanding because depressed people can feel if you really understand or not, at least I can), a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and some strong loving arms that hold you can actually help and mean more than a single word.

Even though a person you care for pushes you away, it doesn’t mean that, deep inside, they scream for your support. But for me, this is how my depression manifests itself. It is confusing to say the least. Not only for me but surely also for the people around me.

I am trying to find a way to make it easier to deal with for both myself and my loved ones. But it is hard. And I don’t think I can manage it all by myself. So yeah, this is my cry for help. My SOS towards many, most of all to GF. We hurt each other, as we always do when I am depressed. We stepped away. Instead of finding a way to fight the depression together, we ended up fighting each other…

I truly hope this post has been informing. Has given some insight. Maybe opened a way to more understanding?

From me…with luv… I do luv ya GF, this is now my way of showing it. I hope this post did help, even though you resented it when I told you I was writing it.

Sorry I am such a difficult pain in the @$$…

~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 4, 2012.

2 Responses to “Leave me alone…in your arms please…”

  1. I don’t understand, and I hope to god I never will…
    Just want to give you a long distance hug and to let you know I’m thinking of you. Wishing you and your loved ones (esp. GF) all the love and strength needed to get through these dark times.

    • Thanks so much! I hope you will never be able to understand as this is certainly not an illness I would ever wish on others. Thanks for the sweet words of comfort, it really means a lot. I know we can get through this depression, but as always…it won’t be easy… *hugs*

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