Another year has gone by, day #85

Hello lovely possums!

I hope you all have enjoyed GF’s second guest post as much as I did. I really felt miserably tired and was quite happy when GF reluctantly agreed to guest write once more. And in the end, I think she might even liked to do it. There is so much love and joy within that post… You can’t “just” write that without “feeling” it… In my humble opinion that is…

But she is right. The last couple of days, weeks almost, I haven’t been sleeping well. I have been feeling depressed, not really connected to the here and now. Dwelling on the stupid ideas my mind throws at me. I still think a post I wrote a while ago (Leave me alone…in your arms please) sums my depression up nicely. The way I feel, the way I am affected by it all…

I am so tired. I feel so lost in my continuous train of thoughts. I hate my nightmares. I wake up feeling so frakking angry and I don’t know why. I never remember my dreams, my nightmares, but waking up feeling angry, sad, confused, disappointed…and not knowing why… It sucks! These nightmares drain me mentally. All these confused and mixed up feelings that I can’t seem to place, they wear me down. My brain is working overtime, even during my sleep it seems I am trying to make sense of it all. But seeing I don’t remember what I dream, it really doesn’t help at all. I don’t wake up feeling good, confident, rested and so on. Nope, that’s not for me…

I have been wanting to write about personal contact, touching, being together with friends/colleagues. How to handle ones self. I am very keen on my personal space. I am not keen on people interfering with that personal space. I discussed this a bit with GF, who looked at me like I was insane. I think she and her best friend can be too touchy towards each other. She said that it would be the same with me and my best friend. Well, even though I trust her 100% and even though I have known her for almost 18 years, it’s still very hard for me to give her a hug. Let alone do the stuff she and her best friend do.

I know I am weird with personal space and all. But sleeping with your best friend in a 2 person bed, OK. But in a 1 person bed…. That is too hard for me. That is something I’d only do with a lover, not with a best friend… There is a line which is easily crossed for me. My boundaries are so different that I am wondering if they are absurd. I know I measure with many different measure tapes for many different circumstances compared to GF’s measuring tape. And I am not sure if there is a right or wrong or if this is really “just” measured by feelings.

These are things I find so very hard to handle. There is no standard, no guide line to follow and my feelings about certain things feel SO off compared to what GF thinks. And it can be so hard to explain my feelings because she doesn’t understand my difficulties. But I feel weird when she and her best friend are “fooling around” because in my opinion, through my eyes, some things are too personal, too intimate. I feel left out, jealous often because of their fooling around and me being annoyed by it.

Why is it so hard to explain these sorts of things? Why are my feelings so difficult to be put to words? Why am I so different? Why do so many things seem so much harder through my eyes compared to GF’s eyes? *sigh*

Getting older doesn’t mean that one gets wiser… Wisdom comes through pain, experience and years….a combination of those three I guess…

Going to take a Zopiclon 7,5 and two Diclofenacnatrium 50 and hope they can provide me with a restful, painless night. Good night everyone!

From an older Lonely Wallflower with luv.

~ by Lonely Wallflower on May 11, 2012.

One Response to “Another year has gone by, day #85”

  1. I sound a bit like you, I prefer my personal space, even when my best friend of 12 years goes to hug or kiss me I find it uncomfortable, the same when family members do it like the auntie… I would prefer to shake hands! I suspect there are many people who do not like their personal space invading! Ironically when I was in Amsterdam for the concert a few years back, I ended up having to change where I was staying when I arrived and booked a hotel, twin room for me and a friend, the twin beds where together… I could not sleep or move once I lay on that bed because I was sharing it with someone else… it drove me mad, waiting for the hours to tick by so I could get up, check out and leave the city for the airport! The same happened some years back when I shared a room with another close friend, I need my space and privacy especially when it comes to beds / bedrooms and hotels!

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