Step two: ouch!

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It's all lies...

Step two: start talking…
Tried that this evening. It was hard and we’ve barely even started. It is so frakking hard. Hearing I was right normally gives me more pride than it does now. There is no pride, only a loss. I don’t win with being right this time. Cause every time I win, I lose even more. Trust, dignity, faith… And in the end? Will I lose love ♡ as well?
I even asked if her love was just a lie as well…

And I am thinking it might be an illness that makes her go at it like she does. On the other hand, it might also be all her… Too soon to tell but we are going to need help to get through this. It is so damn hard. I want this to stop. If it doesn’t stop, if she won’t work on it, I am sure the wedding is off! I can’t marry a lying b*tch, even if in between the lies she means so much to me.

I want to help her. But she already stated she might need external help as well. I coulnd’t agree more. I have tried so many things over the last 7 years. Talking, crying, fighting… Explaining why lying hurts me so much. Explaining why I don’t believe in telling lies. Yes, I might be considered crazy by many as I don’t even believe in small lies for someone’s own benefit. In my eyes and opinion, a lie always hurts at least 1 person… Either the one you lie to or the guilt you might be feeling…
If only she felt guilt sooner, rather than later when I confront  her. Or she even lies then, postponing the guilt as she moves along, thinking I believe.

There was a time I did believe
In all she said to me
But now it comes as a relief
Cause now I really see
She lied to me…

Ah well, better try to sleep for a while, she’s been sleeping for over an hour and I have been fighting off warm tears. Writing a small bit in my digital journal, editing the picture used in this blog and reading some Game of Thrones. But now, I guess I do need some “rest”, but I fear it’s nightmares that will welcome me… I’d rather have Unicorns though. They’re more magical, something to believe in…

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It's called faith, right beside you is where I'll stay...

~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 11, 2013.

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