We’re worth it! Right???

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I just finished a Dutch blog on my new blogsite, Als je begrijpt wat ik bedoel, about being worth it. It was something my GF wrote about in her new Dutch blog site (sometimes things are easier written in your own language), Een nieuwe weg. The name of my blog means “If you know what I mean” and hers is ” A new road”.

Some recent happenings made GF wanna blog again, but now in Dutch. I thought it was a nice idea and started a Dutch blog as well. I find myself now busier than ever, as I feel the urge to blog about the same kind of topics (though often slightly different in the way they go). Now I still have some time to do it, but I do feel that in the (near) future I will have to choose. Either write in Dutch or in English. But I guess I will then just follow the flow, follow my feelings and write in the language that is right for that occasion. Ah well…

But being worth it. I just wrote a long bit about it and as stated above, I have no idea if my brain just wants to write this same kind of blog again, but in English, or maybe I might make a different turn somewhere. So if you are interested, and you are able to read Ducth, I ask you to just check my Dutch blog out as well.

When are you worth it? When is someone else worth it? How can you add worth to someone or yourself? That value, is it like a market value? Down one day, up another? Or is it more stable? More dependable?

Some advertisers really work this line: because you’re worth it. How would they know what you are worth? Of course, there is the literal way of seeing it and the figurative way. The one sells their product to people who believe in it. The other just doesn’t make any sense.

How can someone just say that you are worth it without knowing you? That someone could be speaking to a murderer, rapist, abuser… Are they worth the same as a victim to one of those crimes, to a one-parent family doing it’s best to make ends meet, to anyone and no one in perticular.

I have to admit, I have said to people, lovers and/or friends, that they were worth something I did for them making them thank me. I have said it to only a few people as when someone is really worth it, they are often very dear to me. They have been there for me when I needed them. As have I been for them, when needed. It’s all about knowing and trusting people. People who haven’t let me down, who have treated me with all respect, honesty and by all means open… People who have touched me, my heart, my life. They are worth a lot to me. Can they mess up their worth to me? And this question could also be asked of me, could I mess up my worth to them?

Yes.

In my honest and humble opinion, I could mess it up. I could do even more than that. I am honest, open and direct. And those are both my best as worst points. So with that, it would be more than possible for me to upset someone enough…
And of course people who have gained my trust, became worth more, so to speak. I value their opinions more than others, I respect them because of who and how they are. But they also know me well, know my “do’s and don’ts”, so to spreak. Or write in this case… And if they would do anything that is on my “not to do list”… It would mean nothing good. But what is even closer to me than a dear friend? Yes, a faithful lover. And who knows my lists, my wishes, my silly quirks and all best? Yes, that lover.

So what should I do if that faithful lover isn’t as faithful as I hoped she was? What if I wasn’t worth the truth and really, I wasn’t even supposed to find out that I wasn’t worth it??? And of course, knowing me and who I am, I would find out. Some things sooner and others later. But the truth will out, as I believe I mentioned in my blog yesterday.

Why wasn’t I worth it? Why did she believe telling lies to me, over and over, was her best option?

Her biggest problem in all this may just be me. Well, who and how I am and live and see the world. Because I have always sucked at social interventions, I have always been better in observing. I observe so much, I see so much, notice so much. And the better I know someone, the more I seem to think to know about this persons’ habits. And sometimes, knowing all this through all those observations, it can work as a detection system. And unfortunately, also a lie detector, or so it seems. I have blogged about being honest in the past. And I have blogged about some issues that GF and I had in that past. And I have blogged a bit about the problems we still have now. And as one who has read those posts might be able to state: we have a problem. Well, more she has a problem. And because we’re together, it’s my problem as well.

She appearantly loves to lie. All white lies, well most of them, all meant to protect her, to alude me. Most are made because she made mistakes she wanted to cover up. And then there are the ones where she lied to me to be with others. As far as I know, never anything sexual or something as bad as that, but still… It really hurts. It put down my faith in her. It blew away my trust in her. But underneath it all, there is still this wonderful young lady, sometimes a girl,stuggeling to get through the day.

She made me feel like I was worth sh*t when I found out. And, again as I blogged about it before, I had talked about this before with her. I had tried to explain why honesty is SO important. I talked, cried, yelled and got mad. I had tried it all. And now, once more, I got confronted with her lies. And she got mad with me because I didn’t trust her. I think it was more that she got mad because deep inside she knew that asking me to trust her was wrong. I am still wondering if she would have ever come clean with all she had lied to me about in the past. I am still flabbergasted about the amount of lies she made me believe. Even when confronted…

Am I worth it?

I know she is working on it and I want to support her. For her sake and for mine. Because if she ever lies to me again, both she and I know that the wedding is off. I know she is a good young lady, I know she is raised in a certain way. I know so much, but appearantly, I don’t know it all. Or some things I think I know might still be uncovered lies…

Is she worth it?

Is she worth all these sleepless nights, or nights filled with nightmares? Is she worth all these troubles, all these doubts and this really big ache inside of me? I still tend to believe and say yes. I have promised I would be there for her, all the way, so I can not simply let her fall. But she needs to do a 180 in a new direction in order to make it worth it. To make us succeed. To make us come out of this a million times stronger then we went in this. Well, when I got us into this by trusting my feelings over her words…

Are we worth it?

Yes, I believe we are. I will fight for it, I will stand strong until my legs can’t take me anymore, I will remain open and honest as I have always been. And I hope all this is good enough motivation for her to do change. To stop the bad stuff from happening ever again. To help both me and herself understand on how we got this far. How she got herself, and me with it, so deep in this sh*t. I want to get out. I need to get out. But I want her at my side when we do get out. One step at a time…

Why?

Because we’re worth it!

~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 16, 2013.

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