Walking on broken glass
I finished a rather long (or so I’d like to think) Dutch blog yesterday with the same title as this one. I already shared the song, which lyrics inspired the titles of both blogs, this morning. And now I finally finished the Dutch version so I will also post something about it in English. Seems only fair. Dunno how long I can keep it up like this, the double posting. But as long as it isn’t out of my head enough after I finish post one, and if I still have time, I will do my best to also provide the other blog with a likewise post.
Walking on broken glass. Feeling numb, feeling down. Getting tired of the steps I need to take, we need to take. The adrenaline slowly leaving my body, allowing the pain to take over. We can’t stay still, we need to keep walking leaving bloody footprints, creating scars that will never fade away. But the scars should not fade. Only heal, but never fade. They must be a rememberance of all this. Of all we went through to get where we are at that moment you’re looking at it. It must also help to prevent this from ever happening aagin. This should never, ever happen again. I wouldn’t know how to deal with it… I couldn’t deal with it…
And I made that perfectly clear. This has been going on long enough. We have fought too often already about this. Talking, tears, explanations, it all didn’t help. And now we’re walking on broken glass. I don’t know when the suffering will end, I don’t know how many glass shards we still have to get over before we reach our new road, a new path, a crossroad where we can make a change that will last for ever.
I am not sure if it would be better if we only have a few more shards or many of them. If we should suffer more, so we’ll never forget and if we get through, we will be stronger than ever. Or if the shards should fade away soon, so the healing process can begin. Because those painful steps also help us, in a way. They remember us of what has happened, and if she remembers enough of what…then maybe she will also remember a why…
Because I have so many questions still running at warp speed through my mind. So many doubts that I had in the past that I now fear. Were they true, these doubts, just like the ones that are now finally affirmed. And so often my questions either begin or end with “why?”. I need to understand it in order to be able to move on.
So here we’re walking on broken glass. Not safety glass, where the shards are way less sharp (but would still feel uncomfortable to walk on, I would imagime). Barefooted. So safety shoes, nothing in between our feet and the glass. Nothing but blood. Pain. Fear. Regret.
There is regret for sure. But for me, it comes too late. All these lies that build opportunities for new lies. All this deceit. All these worries. Regret, nice it finally came. But still wondering if it only came because the lies were caught. There was no more road to denial. She tried to go there though and that when we really started to walk on broken glass. And every step has been a painful, difficult and hard one. But these steps must be taken. We can’t go back. We can never go back. But for now, we must keep on looking at the past. We need to find out how and why this all happened so we can prevent it from ever happening again. Looking back in order so we can move on in the (near) future.
Every step, a drop of blood marking the way we’ve already crossed. Reminding us never to go back. Hopefully it is the prevention that will work for ever.
Broken. Lost. Lonely. But together. Trust. Faith. Memories. Tears. Fears. Black hole. Blood. Pain. Nightmares.
Walking on broken glass. Every day a step or two. Every day some more pain. Some new, some the same as yesterday, some even the same as from the day before. Some is slowly trying to fade away. But it can’t escape, it can’t go. No, even if it hurts, no not yet. We need it, I need it, since it may be able to finally lead us to the answers we need, we seek, I need…
Broken. Broken glass. Step three, we can do it. And if, at the end of all this glass, we’re still together, we are strong enough to handle all the problems the world can throw at us!
~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 17, 2013.