You never really learn
Pain, living with it every day of your life. People easily say that you will get used to it. But that is not totally true, in my opinion. You have to learn to live with it, because there is only one other option and that is the non returnable one… If you can’t deal, can’t cope, can’t manage and when you only see one way out… I have to admit, my mind did wander there, on several occasions even, and I am not ashamed to write about it. But for those who have difficulty with it, this is a warning. Even now I have an idea of what I wish to write about, about what this blog should include, but sometimes my mind wanders and goes of the desired path. I want to warn you that if you can’t deal with the topic of pain, depression and even suicidal thoughts and actions, if you are triggered by this, then please do not read on. If you are interested, then please, by all means, read on.
Just know this is a personal blog, with my experiences, feelings and thoughts. If you are having difficulty dealing with personal things, if you are dealing with your own suicidal thoughts, please find help! My blog cannot reach out in any way, I can only ask you to find help. Google for it when you aren’t sure where to get the help needed. Please I urge you, when you need it, find help. There is nothing bad about not knowing how to cope, about having bad feelings, as long as you also know that there is no need for any shame to ask for help. Thank you for caring about yourself! And thank you for reading my blog.
Below the “read more”, it will get even more serious, even though I will try not to let it weigh us down.
I have always been a “bumpy”, clumsy even, person. Every vacation I went on, I would see a doctor or hospital even in the area where my parents had taken me for our journey. Later on, luckily, the visits wore down.
I have been living with discomfort and pain since the age of 16. I had a bad hip, needed surgery several times (1997, 2006 * 3, 2008) until the last one provided me with a new hip. So I have learned throughout the years how to deal with pain. But, after a while, it got better, I did feel it but it wasn’t as present as before/just after the surgeries.
But later on, I got more issues. Had many braces to wear so I could keep working. But it became more difficult day by day. When you are in pain, it is hard to get rest, to provide your mind and body with new energy. Dealing with pain costs a lot of energy. So normally, during the night when you’re supposed to sleep, your body should recover and get new energy for the new day. But when you can’t sleep, due to the pain and discomfort, your energy level drains until you are living on fumes. That is when you try to avoid all social activities, because you are not feeling up to it. Small things can cause big problems for you, because you lack the energy. People get on your nerves more easily and the things you want to do for yourself also fail a lot. You don’t have the desired or needed strength anymore.
I have been there many times. That I wanted to work but I had no strength. In the beginning I pushed on, took more painkillers and refused to give in. I would not let pain interfere with my way of life. I was hoping it would go away after a while, taking it easy when not at work, taking painkillers and all. But even 4 weeks of vacation, in which I got married and we had the most lovely honeymoon time, it would not pass. Even after a relaxing day at the pool, sun and drinks included, I could feel like hell. I always thought that many of my aches were because of my previous hip problems. That it gave me issues with my back, which in their turn. caused the other problems. But after a while, it was impossible to ignore the facts: I was in pain, too much pain at times, and it made me depressed and gave me many suicidal nightmares. My wife even woke several times because I was crying in my sleep. That was when she (!!!) decided I should call in sick for work. If you have been reading my blog(s) for a longer time, then you know how I hate to call people, how my hands get sweaty, my heart throbs in my throat and I hope I can say what I need to say. When possible, my wife makes all my phone calls. I have trouble with it. A lot. Even calling my mum or my best friend still makes me anxious, even though they know about my issues.
Sidenote to what makes me so nervous and anxious when calling people, even people I know. I have many troubles when I can’t see a persons face when talking with them. I have trouble with sarcasm, I take what someone says very literally. I have trouble with “hearing” when people are mad, sad, disappointed and so on. Heck, I even can’t always see it when talking face to face. But face to face, I can deal with it easier. On the phone, I get panic attacks… So when I had to call my employer to say I could not work, it was a double if not tripple hell: giving up (in my mind, because I needed to work to earn my money), feeling like sh*t and having to call with bad news… It was hard, it sucked and made me feel very bad about all of the above. It took a long time to recover from that one phone call… Imagine that.
Even though I have been living in pain for such a long time now, or living with pain as some call it, I never have gotten used to it. How can I, when the pain differs from day to day, heck, even hour to hour. I find it more easy to “ignore” the same pain, as it becomes a part of me more easily. I hope that is understandable, to some point at least. But when pain differs, comes in different pain levels and on different places all the time… One moment my back hurts too much that I can’t even walk normally, the next moment I can walk but my neck is so tight it feels like it’s locked. Living, amongst others, with Fibromyalgia, I can only compare it to this:
Remember a day on which you had the flu, the worst day of it, fighting a fever, throwing up, aching all over… That comes close to my worst days. I know this is all very personal and differs from one person to another. But this is what I experience. On the “lighter” days, it feels like I had a heavy workout the day before and all my muscles ache all over. Of course, it’s been ages since I really could work out, but just think of a day where you went to the gym and there was a new trainer and (s)he went all hardcore on you guys to prove how tough (s)he could be… The day after, welcome to my daily world and life.
For me, on bad days, both my ADHD and Asperger’s can make the pain more intense. My ADHD always wants to go on, go faster, do more, do it better. But, when my body can’t deliver, I get angry and mad at myself. I can easily make myself feel like the biggest failure on this planet. It’s so frustrating when you can’t do the things you want to, the things you were used to be able to do and things that you really love to do. Things that used to give you pleasure, energy and enjoyment. That’s why it even hurts more when people say things like “it’s not real, it’s between your ears, you’re just lazy” and so on. I really wish I could do more than I can do. It’s a big dream even, like I mentioned in my “Lazy” post a while ago.
This post has the name “You never really learn”, because I do believe that each day brings new challenges, new pains, new discomforts and I could never get used to something that isn’t always there. You do learn to cope, to deal with it, but there will always be days when you just want to be relieved from your pain.
When the pain has been controlling my life, when there are too many days without some relief, my depression kicks in. Something in me wishes for it all to end, to give up, to surrender. I myself make it even worse, because I really and totally believe that voice inside my head telling me I am a burden to the people around me. Because I need help more often, because I sometimes have to cancel plans, because I sometimes have to let a promise forgo… All these things make me feel like a bad person, like an unworthy person. And it would be better for everyone involved if I would “just” check out of this world. There would be no more pain, no more discomfort, I would not be a burden to anyone anymore. In my mind then, people would easily get over me not being around, they would even feel some relief after a while because they don’t have to take into account all my troubles anymore.
When people call others selfish for wanting to take their own life, or after someone has taken his/her own life, I wonder why they concider it to be so. When you live in pain, when people ridicule you because they don’t believe you, when you have to give up many things you love to do… There are so many factors that can make someone feel like I just tried to describe above the image. I could not even start to tell you about them all, especially since the factors differ for each person. Of course, some will definitely overlapse, but still, I can only write about my own feelings and experiences.
I do believe you should always try to talk about your feelings. Find someone you trust, find professional help, try all you can. Never “give up” without a fight.And sometimes you see positive things while fighting, that give you strength and courage to keep going on. After all, I am still here writing to al of you. Yes, I still get those thoughts. Yes, it still haunts me in my dreams. Yes, on my very bad days I almost welcome the never ending sleep, the rest… But I do have help lines, people I can reach out to in times of need. And knowing there are people out there that care for me, who will help me when I am in need, that knowledge makes me stronger for sure. But still, every day is a new fight. I learn new coping skills and I deal with it. Sometimes alone and other times, together with others.
And for that, I would like to thank each and everyone of them and of you! Your likes, your comments, your follows, they make me feel like I am worthy, like I do matter. And knowing that on my worst days, can make me feel a bit better and to take the step and reach out for help.
Thank you for your interest!!! Thanks for your comments, likes and follows! Thanks for caring!
Wishing you all the best, with luv, LW