Every step I take

Hello again. If you’ve been a long time follower of my blog, you know I am not very lucky health wise. You also know I got hip issues at age 16 and many surgeries to fix those. And in the end, in October 2008, I got a Birmingham Hip Replacement, which really helps me a lot! 

But, due to all the surgeries I have had in that area (6 for my hip), the nerves in my right upper leg got damaged. I can’t feel heat nor cold, and it gives me lots of pain incentives. The Tramadol I am taking is helping me control that, but it can’t take it all away. During the colder/more moist days, my muscles are really sore. Often they also tense up, which hurts a lot. Due to the nerves not sending the right pain stimulants to my brain, it can feel like my leg is on fire, like someone is repeatedly stabbing my leg, like I get kicked into it… The pain I experience can differ, but it is what is is: painful! When it’s too much to handle, I collapse. I am allowed five doses of Tramadol, and during the bad days, they barely are able to take the edge off. Those days I am grateful that I am able to lay on the couch and suffer. The dogs walk is hell, but a responsibility I can’t neglect. 

But the pain, it’s dreadful. The spasms I sometimes get are almost killing me, as they hurt so bad, the negative thoughts and that dangerous whisper in my head are winning terrain. Dealing with pain every day is hard work. Dealing with the mental sh*t that is in my head makes it even harder. And still people (of the organizations that want be to get back to work) think I’m lazy, think I could easily work light jobs. I am not lazy! Dammit I have a ADHD brain I am struggling with on a daily basis to keep up. It wants more, faster, more and my body can’t oblige. I have worked as long as my body could keep up with. I’ve given up some of my favorite things because I just can’t do them anymore… 

Every step I take hurts, some days more than others. I’m trying to keep moving forward, even if just in baby steps. But I have to be honest to myself and also be able to take a step or more back when I can’t continue to go forward. I need to be allowed to break down and cry. To have bad days without feeling more bad about myself because of not being able to fulfill obligations I have. Like work… Like social appointments. I would love to be able to work, but am afraid of the obligations that come with it. Afraid of failure, of needing to give up, of being different. 

Every step is a scary one, as I have no idea if I can make it further or if I collapse. But I can’t keep still, I need to keep going on. Or I am sure the depression can get to me. 

But, I will keep going on as good or bad as it can go… Every step I take… 

Thanks for reading, for your interest, and have an awesome day! All the best, LW 🌻

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 1, 2017.

5 Responses to “Every step I take”

  1. I was a little bit worried about you, haven’t heard from you in a long time. Best wishes for you and hope you’ll feel better soon ❤

    • Thanks, it’s been a busy time, as we finally moved last September. Crazy times, did way too much so was in need of a huge recovery time. But in the end it was worth it. Now struggling with instances like UWV and with both my mental and physical health. Thanks for reading, caring and your comment 😙

      • I can totally understand it that it was busy. I was busy lately too. I’ve even started a second blog, to write about things that bother me, in English. No problem, I do care about the ones I follow 🙂 And to send them a get well soon message is the least you can do 🙂

  2. I’m very happy to read something from you again. Lots of love and hope for you. You will get there.❤

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