Knock, knock… 

It’s been a while. Many things have happened. Some were good, some were awesome but health wise, I’m still no better. I’ve had more downs than ups and I keep fighting. But thanks to the way the unemployment/reintegration companies treat me, those downs are hard to fight. 

I miss a lot of energy. When the temperature drops below 10°C, my health gets worse. And when it’s below freezing, that’s when I hurt the most. When there’s a lot of moisture in the air, I ache as well. But we had many cold, freezing, days and my muscles were trying to kill me. My internal thermostat is also broken. One minute I am sweating like it’s 35°C and I am in the sun, the next minute I am freezing cold. But, many. People around us are getting ill, so it might just have found it’s way to me as well.
In the end of November I had a clumsy moment. It resulted in me being in pain  and calling my wife… Complaining how my slipper had a huge hole in it. I had dropped a cabinet door from about 1,70m on my foot. My toe was broken, they saw on the picture in the hospital. And they thought they had seen another fracture but they thought they were wrong (as it later turned out, there was a small fracture…).  So that hurt and didn’t help when the weather was turning on me. 

I’ve had some freaking bad nightmares, often, too often. Although I never remember what I dreamed about, I do wake up with a feeling… Sometimes I felt frightened, sometimes disappointed I woke up again. During that time, I also experienced a few panic attacks. Luckily I can spot them now, which kinda helps me keep it under control. But it does not do me any good, mentally speaking.

Why did I name this blog “Knock knock”? That’s my anxiety and depression knocking on my door. All those things happening, all the shit about being on sick leave, not to be taken seriously by the organizations, being treated like a douchebag instead of a human being with feelings… There are times I am considering the other way out… As I am starting to believe that little voice of depression inside my head. It makes more sense, bit by bit, every day. 

Maybe it’s also because of the pains I have been experiencing. I have less energy, so can’t fight the demons in my head that well. Have been sleeping in my attic room for two months, as I had so much pain, I was awake a lot. Seeing the wife still has to work, she deserves a good night’s rest. And I am too restless, even in my sleep. Yeah, I miss her, of course I do. I miss being intimate, since my skin is so sensitive and the pain so bothering… I can’t do it. Am afraid to raise expectations and then can’t continue due to all of the above. 

I will try to keep on fighting. I know it uses every bit of energy I have. And that makes me anything but the best friend, at the moment. I am having a hard time dealing with my (negative) thoughts, with the pain and with not being able to do stuff that helps me relax and recharge. So I am not a good friend right now, and I know it and am sorry for it. I do hope people won’t give up on me… Can’t blame them if they do, but still, hoping they won’t. Already wrote a short post about it a while ago on Facebook. But seeing the number of people that react to posts that aren’t all happy, jolly and/or funny… Even though I feel f*cked up a lot of the time, I do try to connect, even by “just” liking your Facebook post

When I feel down, when I share my bad thoughts and days, and almost no one responds… It feeds the little bad voice in my head. 

Ah well, better end this post and press the publish button. But afraid to do that, to be honest… So much truth, so much it hurts… 

Take care and thank you for your time and interest. 

LW xox 🌻

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 1, 2017.

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