Disappointment – in Gaming

We all know it, we all face it at times, we see it in ourselves and in others. May it be people you know, teams you support (and they lose)… Disappointment.

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My self esteem is very low. I guess years of bullying does that to someone. Plus never being really good at things, always having to see and hear how others excell while you struggle… I am very happy to know that some stuff I have always had difficulties with, I experience because of (some of my) mental issues. They are even points on the DSM-IV list (sorry, that I know for sure and am too lazy at the moment to check the new DSM-V lists, but at the time when I was diagnosed, those points were there). My eye-hand co-ordination has never been the best and my fine motor skills are anything but fine.

This also is part of the reason I have never been really good at computer/console games. Because I am just a tad to slow, I often miss the window of opportunity, hence I keep failing. At times I could figure out a timer on an event, and be prepared for it. But when playing an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game), it’s hard to time things. OK, in dungeons and raids, some things you know will happen, but as it’s less predictable, it gets harder for me to be prepared.

Many games I have started enthusiastic and had to give up because I could not get past a certain task or event. And that sucks… Big time! I am aware of the reason, but the reason is within me and it makes me mad. It makes me sad that I am such a failure. And when I play alone, it’s less bad than when you’re playing with others.

One game I do love and am happy to say I can play pretty OK, is Diablo 3 (Reaper of Souls). Lately I have been playing it more on the PS4, as the controller can be easier for me to handle than a mouse and keyboard. Not all PC functions are available yet, but they’re working on it.

This is just a bit of game play on PS4 I have shared. I haven’t shared a lot yet, but do have a channel on YouTube, just in case I want to share 🙂 If you’re interested, you can follow this link and it will take you to my channel!

But this post is mainly to write about how far that disappointment in myself can take me, as I can and will melt down if it keeps on going badly. Last night, I was in my Sunday weekly WoW dungeon group. And I am so grateful for these people, as without them, I would never be able to experience WoW as I can do now. But they wanted to try the Mythic settings and the last time we tried, we failed badly at the last boss. We were trying to defeat Odyn at the Halls of Valor (links for those who are interested). And this time, though it did go a wee bit better, I ended up dying a lot, again. And it brought me down. Every time I failed to stay alive, I kicked myself in the guts. I was letting my group down, I was not being worthy and well, I guess you all know how we are able to take oneself down completely. And then, after dying again, I broke down. I could not do it anymore. I had been trying to play for a while, while tears were rolling down my cheeks. This didn’t help either as it fogged up my glasses….. But that’s beside the point, as I was very good at dying when I could see better through them as well. I was mad. Mad at the group for making me do mythic while I said I would not be able to. Mad at me for not being able to. Mad at my hands for not being able to keep up… I was mad on so many levels… I cried, cried and well, cried some more. In the end, we gave up on the last boss, again. We decided to do another dungeon, this time a difficulty setting lower, HC, and we kinda aced through it. I loved it, as I was helping, doing damage, keeping alive. That really helped me to see that I would be able to do mythic at some point, but due to my squishy-ness, I needed higher gear to have more health so that would  be able to compensate for being just a tad too slow at times.

My little Gnome Monk, Gnömski

My little Gnome Monk, Gnömski

So now I am on a mission, one I was already on: getting better gear. Unfortunately, my luck is almost worse than my game play. At times, when an item can be used by different people, you roll for it. It’s like an electronic dice that gives you a random number between 1-100. So I am up against someone else, as we both need that awesome leather piece. He rolls an 8, and people start being happy for me to be able to get it… I warn them, telling them about my shitty luck in this game. Nah, no worries, it’s only an 8. So yeah, I type /roll and it gives me… A 6! I think, when it comes to rolling, I win about 1 in 8 items… Same with getting an item upgraded… When I finally get an item, it’s often as good as what I already had or even worse. I try a lot, doing quest lines, world quests, alone or together with my lovely wife… She truly is amazing, as she pulls me through my meltdowns, helps me get calm, explains to others what happened while I am getting back to it all… Fankoo ❤

I know I am also trying to level other characters, so I may not spend all my time on one… But the time I do spend, I think it should be enough to get lucky soon and improve that gear so I can help my group tackle Mythic dungeons (OK, to be fair, big part of my group can already do them, just not when I am in the group; another reason for feeling more disappointment and anger towards myself, they can do it and I am taking the team down, letting them down).

So, let me post this babbling and let’s get back to Azeroth! For the Alliance! For meeeeee!

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on February 20, 2017.

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