Feed the monster

When I look in the mirror, I often wonder what I see, who I see. The answer is really depending on my mood. When I’m having a rare good day, I see someone who has lots to be grateful for. But on days like the one I had yesterday, I see failure and pain. I see disappointment and tired dark eyes that look straight through me. 

On days when everything seems to go wrong from the moment you wake up, most of the time long before your alarm was set… Those days my dark monster is looking around every corner there is, lurking for a chance to attack me when I’m most vulnerable. And those days, I often barely have any energy. The monster knows this as well, and it makes him aware of my weaker shield. 

I know I always carry the monster with me. I have had this “dark passenger” (was watching Dexter, found this a suitable for the monster) for over 20 years now. Many people have looked at it, some more educated than others. And they never really could give the passenger, the dark monster, a name. Well, they could, but there were many variations instead of an unanimous answer. Some told me I had/was bi-polar. That was my first diagnosis. I got lithium and ended up almost killing myself… I read a lot about it and many things did fit, although some I experienced a little less heavy/different. But many treats I really could see in my, my moods and my behavior. Then I had some sort of depression, the next thought bi-polar again… Then I got several other diagnoses, first the ASS/ADHD, 2,5 years later my Fibromyalgia. And now they call it a mix-up of those three. Yeah it’s some form of depression, but not the bi-polar one. But they state that on me having the fibro as well, and I did not have it (maybe I had but it wasn’t as present as it is the last 2,5 years)… So me getting another illness, one being chronic and not really recognized, should make my depressions lighter in some way… I have not been able to believe that, as the way these educated people want me to believe, it’s different than to what I really experience. I have no idea if this makes any sense… 

I have been feeling down a lot lately. Stuff going wrong. Things I was hoping for that got blown off, so major disappointments. Health throwing me more pain and headaches, causing me to sleep less or wake up as tired as I was when I went to bed. It eats me up, slowly, one bite at a time. I get irritated more easily, I feel sad a lot of the time and I try to hide it. If people ask you how you are, and you say “life sucks”, just watch their face. Even me, someone with ASS, can see they are lost, not expecting it and even already looking for a way out. If you say “ah you know, could complain at times, but there are good times as well”, they are a lot happier with that answer. Even though it’s not the truth. And after that reaction a few times, who would not try to hide the truth, even if not to feel so uncomfortable… Because yeah, life sucks at times and when I want to be honest about it, it makes people uncomfortable. Which results in me closing up more, feeling more alone, not able to be honest about my feelings, about my issues, about the struggles. 

The monster knows this, feeds on this, relies on this. I am scared my monster will affect other people. So in a way, when I should need someone to talk to, I will push people away. To keep them safe from my darkness, to keep my monster at bay. To not let them see the real me at that time. When the monster takes over, it seems my ability to think things over is reduced to a “frak it all” kind of thinking. When I am able to take over again, when there is a way yo push the monster into the shadows, I get overwhelmed with a feeling of remorse. Because I do remember all I’ve done, even if I wasn’t in control. 

When the monster pulls me into the darkness, I lose a lot of self control. I do the things I do, but there is no good thought, no angel on my shoulder asking me if I really should be doing certain things. There is no inner judgement at that time. Only a feeling of rage, fear, dislike. Everything and everyone is against me, they’re all out to hurt me and I need to find a way to keep myself safe. 

Why am I sharing all this? It might be a cliché, it might look like what everyone else is writing about depression. Maybe it is, maybe the things that are alike are the recognition points of being depressed. But if you’re lucky enough to have never shared time with the monster, it might be hard to recognize. And if someone in your surroundings, or maybe even you, gets visited by the dark monster, it’s good to be able to see what’s happening. You might be able to ask or give help sooner, as it is easier of there is someone to fight the monster off. But letting someone help you fight it, that’s is a struggle on itself. Because the monster wants you to believe you’re on your own, it wants to you push everyone away. The more alone you are, the more power it can and will have over you. 

I will round this post up now. I hope it has given you a small insight into living with a dark passenger. How is is to never feel really safe, because the monster is always lurking in the shade/darkness. 

If you recognize some of these feelings, please make an appointment with your GP, even just to take about it. If it can give you the help and support you might need (in the near or far future). If you recognize this in someone you know well, please try to talk about it. Or don’t let them push you away easily when their monster is attacking them. 

Thank you for your interest. Wishing you all the best, 

Lonely Wallflower 

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on March 3, 2017.

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