Mind is wandering

Sometimes people say to me I should be out more. Being alone will isolate me. But for me, it’s important to be alone at times as then I get a breathing space and time to recharge.

As I can’t filter all incoming waves of information, sounds, smells, vibration and even touch. And at times, it’s people that cost me loads of energy, trying to keep up, to understand, to follow…

And there are times when I miss some people. It’s hard for me to make friends, to trust people, to have faith in them.

On days where I feel down, drowning in pain and sorrow, haunted by memories that will always be a part of me, I wish someone would notice. A friend would send a text, just to say they were thinking of me. I do post some stuff on Facebook, but the replies I get are often not that much. When I see friends reacting to stuff my wife posts compared to my posts…

My dark passenger is telling me I’m not worth their time. That I am not worth their attention. That I really don’t have friends, but they are merely some people that I happen to know. The dark passenger knows no kindness, wears no satin gloves and goes out of it’s way to make me believe it all.

I know I can push people away when I feel overwhelmed or when I start feeling depressed. I know I can try too hard to keep people around, most often when I’m close to breaking down. I don’t want to be alone at the time when the dark passenger is stalking me. I feel more safe, protected, when I can be surrounded by people that I trust.

But I’ve noticed that lately, I have been feeling more isolated. I try to reach out, but the people I am trying to reach are too far away. They might hear me and choose not to react, my dark passenger whispers in my ear. And they might not hear me at all..

I know I choose to be alone when needed. I know I can push people away when I feel my mood may harm them. But the isolation I am feeling now is not by choice, not mine at least. I know I’ve not been the mose cheerful person lately, but the pain of the surgery is too much to handle at times, even now, more than five weeka after.

Why I am writing this, no idea to be honest. I started this at Facebook, but realized that wasn’t the right platform for this. I guess it’s just haunting me, keeping my thoughts occupied. Ah well, now it’s out, in a way, and maybe it will make sense to someone out there.

Let’s go out with the dogs and then head to bed. Another dreadful day is on it’s way…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on July 24, 2017.

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