Not 100%

Last Saturday, my wife asked my hand therapist if she expected a total recovery for my thumb/hand. I was dreading the answer, as I was very afraid that my feelings about it would become the truth.

Care Bears

And she answered. She explained her answer. And it hit me in the feels…

As the answer was what I was I was expecting, unfortunately. No, she does not expect the thumb to recover fully to the way it was… A part of it is still too stiff and painful, and she expects that I will be able to recover totally from the pain (I would never dare to say that to someone with Fibromyalgia…). Of course it would be nice if all the pain I got since the surgery would kindly frak off and leave me alone. But I would also want to have all mobility back. As I love to game and to try to play some guitar. Both things I need a functional thumb/hand for. I’ve already given up on several hobbies ever since the Fibromyalgia took over my health and body. I don’t wanna give up any more.

This news made me sad, of course. And it had a bigger impact on me afterwards. As I really cramped up in my sleep last night and my stomach is making me feel even more miserable. Plus the constant thinking about it, mulling it over, trying to find peace with a less than 100% recovery.

I’ve followed all the rules, I’ve even bought some play-doh to practice (that stuff smells by the way), and still my recovery is letting me down…

The pain, though it’s less than before, is still around 24/7. The muscle aches that come with it are almost worse, as they cause spasms at times (mostly at night) which makes the area of surgery hurt more… I thought I would recover, I thought the pain would not be this bad. Why am I so often wrong? And it’s almost never in a positive way. I want to try to stay positive, but this bites and hurts and pushes me back to the ledge.

The ledge I’ve been fighting to keep off. The ledge my dark monster, or my dark passenger, wishes I was on most of the time. Then it has the most power over me. I don’t wanna be on that ledge, but the simplest things make me so tired. This stupid thumb/hand/muscle situation is costing me more of my energy than I can “afford” to spend, as I need it to safe guard my so called sanity.

Star Trek: TNG - part of the cast and my wife and I

I will watch some Star Trek before bed time. I just finished the seven series of The Next Generation (I’m re-watching them as I’ve seen them all before and before and… We’ll, I’ve seen them more than once), so I started with Deep Space Nine.

Will do some of my thumb and hand practicing while watching. Better keep that up as it should help me to improve to the best possible situation.

Thanks for your interest! Wishing you a wonderful and positive day. With luv, LW

Care Bear

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on August 21, 2017.

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