Sorry, not sorry?

WARNING: this might contain triggers for some readers, concerning depression.

Yeah well, what if you’re so depressed that you can’t see a way out?
What if you are in so much pain, painkillers don’t even tickle it in the slightest, and you can’t see any other way to make it stop?
What if your mind is so overloaded with images, thoughts, words, that you long for a minute of silence and rest?
What if you have forgotten what it is to feel good, because it’s been too long..?

Many people dealing with (severe) chronic pain and/or mental issues/problems might recognize one or more of these questions and ones they have asked themselves at times.

Depression is a many faced monster. It can hide in the shadows and then jump out when it smells a vulnerable moment. Many people with depression have a collection of masks ready at their disposal. Because hiding it seems the best solution for many occasions. It might be shame that makes you hide it. Or maybe you don’t want to get any more unsolicited advise. Or it might just be your own damn business and they should be kept at a distance.
As said, many faces are associated with depression. On the masks and also behind them. But depression has patience and is in no need. It knows there will come a time when you are not prepared, when you left the mask at home, and then it will know how to strike. And strike you, it will!

I’ve been dealing with many issues for many years now. As some of you longer time readers already know. It’s a huge mix and also a huge mess, if I may say so myself.
For the newbies here, I will give a short list of my daily dealings: Asperger’s Syndrome (Autism spectrum), ADHD, Fibromyalgia, New hip, Tinnitus, Raynaud’s… And 3 months ago, I had hand surgery and that I wish I had never done. As it only got worse instead of better.

I’ve been dealing with pain for many years. I’ve been feeling different for even more years. It took quite some years before I finally got tests done, and at age 31 I got the ADHD/Asperger’s diagnosis. 3 years ago I got the Fibromyalgia diagnosis. And ever since that one, life has been a crazy rollercoaster ride.

I had to call in sick at work, as I could not deal with it anymore. So many painkillers and I still was in so much pain. We’ve been “fighting” for the last 3 years to get a disability pay for me, to get a offical paper that states I am in no shape to contribute to the working world. It’s been hard, it’s been energy absorbing, for both me and my wife. I won’t say either of us had an easy time, as we were both fighting for the same cause.

And after 3 years it seems like they have finally seen some light and permitted me an allowance each month. So when that burden fell off, I thought I would regain some more energy, as I didn’t have that fight anymore. But I, unfortunately, was wrong. That energy never came back. And I felt down.

Then I had that surgery and I was so positive. And now, with the pain and loss of even more strength and movement, every day I look at my left hand and feel so many emotions. Anger, pain, disappointment and an immense sadness. Every day there are several moments when something goes wrong and I curse and wish I’d never had that surgery done…

It’s hard for me to be happy. I feel a sort of darkness in me and know my dark monster is watching me from the shadows. I sleep badly and when I finally do sleep, I have many disturbing dreams. As I never seem to remember my dreams, I merely wake up with a feeling and bathing in sweat.

I try to keep going on. Doing the chores that need to be done. Doing the chores that I can do. But I am missing some of my hobbies. I had already given up some and now I need to set some others aside as well. Not sure for how long, but at least for now. And that makes me sad and angry, as my hobbies normally gave me some joy and energy.

Because I feel bad, my dark monster starts whispering to me. I am not worthy, my opinions suck, my life is meaningless…. All the little whispers, all the nudges towards that shadow, that darker side…

I feel like I’m living on an edge, one step left or right would have major results. As when I step the wrong way, well who decides which way is wrong, to be honest, it’s over.

People tell others to look at the bright side of things, to keep faith, that good things and times will come shortly. It’s all well meant, but it also shows that they (luckily) have never felt like you do.

I never have a silent moment. My Tinnitus is beeping 24/7 and it never ever gets quiet. It can be “masked” during daytime, as in be a little less disturbing, when there is music or TV sounds on. Talking can go either way, depends on the surroundings. I never feel rested. My brain works overtime and never seems to be able to slow down. Thoughts need their attention and when I try to ignore it, it only gets more persistent. I often have major difficulties understanding the people around me. Their “oh-so-easy” logic often sounds like hocus pocus to me. And when I do try to explain my logic, people can’t handle it and drift off. But that option doesn’t seem available the other way round. I just need to listen and understand what they mean. And, also, I need to just agree with their reasoning. Even if it does not make any sense at all to me.

I never have a moment where I am not in pain. It can be “simple” muscle pains, but also nerve pains, among others. I have some heavy duty painkillers but they never seem to get that damned pain away. It can soften the edges but never do I feel like “oh, THAT’s what it feels like to have no pain”, as I could not imagine such a moment anymore. And yeah, I will need to learn to deal with it. And at times people think about it and understand when you have to cancel on something or when you can’t do stuff. But some days, you can do more (or less) than on others, so it’s a variable thing, and many outsiders have a (huge) difficulty in dealing with that. I often wonder how they would deal if the cards were dealt in another way and they would have to live with my pain and all….

So yeah, there are times when I really wonder if it is all worth it. Especially when the monster’s whispers are getting louder. I wonder how long I can still take this all, if there will ever be a moment when things change for the better… As yeah, I can “learn” to live with it. If I don’t, I would have to drop dead I guess. And that is not “just” happening. But I do wonder what it would be like… And you can call me selfish for it, I don’t care. You cannot judge someone until you know what they are really dealing with…

And I feel like I am a burden to others. Because I cannot cope in this world by myself. I cannot do all that I would need to do to manage it. So I am a burden. And because I see and experience things differently, I need more explaining and/or I can be stubborn in my own world. I know all this but it does not make things easier. On the contrary, it even can give the monster some more strength.

I’ve been told that if I had so many issues with all the things around me and such, I could just jump off a bridge and be done with it. YEAH that is exactly a thought that has been going through my mind when the monster starts his whispers again. Maybe I don’t have to wait too long, and the orange monkey will say something to anger mister koe loe yuk and they will just nuke the holy cannoli out of this world and be done with it. But yeah, I often wonder if this world really needs me and more even, if I need this world. As there is not that much understanding for those that are living a different life, for those who see the world in a different way, for those fighting each day to matter.

At this moment, I’m trying to stay out of the shadows. I am trying to keep myself occupied with many things that I still can do and I like to do. Even if it’s a short list and it starts to feel insufficient.

Anger at myself for slowly seeming to lose the battle, angry for the lack of energy.
Disappointed in myself that I am so weak and stupid.
Sad for all the pain I need to bite through every day.
Tears when no one can see me…

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 20, 2017.

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