“Find something else to do”

When you are home alone a lot, people always assume you’re lonely, isolated and in need of socializing. You need hobbies, you need to go out and make yourself useful, you need to be among the people. Well, people can assume a lot, but without knowing the situation completely, their “well meant” advice is worthless.


As I don’t mind being home alone. It’s a place where I can feel safe, be free, let down my guard and mask, don’t have to make a lot of effort to (pretend to) understand what is going on around me. I don’t mind being alone. It’s less difficult than being surrounded by people, to be really honest.

But, I used to have hobbies, things I’d love to do that gave me a good feeling about myself, a feeling of satisfaction. And due to my failing body, I had to give up several of my hobbies. But no worries, I still had others to keep me busy, to keep me entertained. But now, with that frakking thumb, I have to give up even more of those. And that sucks. And of course there are those that tell you to find new hobbies, other things to do. Well, that’s just it. The things I did were the things I was interested in. Otherwise I would already have shown an interest in the other things I would be able to do. But I am really not interested and, to say it frankly, I could not even be arsed to try them out. They are not in my interest and I can’t see me doing those other great ideas you have.

I know people with Autism can really bite into certain subjects and be (almost?) obsessed by them, with them, and have a very narrow vision. I do have that trait in me, but not as extreme, or so I’d like to think. That’s why I have been enjoying those several hobbies for so many years. And now, I can’t imagine holding a guitar and strike an easy chord on it. I loved to go to the fitness, but that’s something I had to give up ages ago. I love walking, but there are days when every step feels like needles and pins. I like to game, PC and Playstation, but with that wretched thumb… Even typing this blog hurts my left hand and I make so many mistakes that it seems to take me ages to write a simple post. PC gaming is not an option, yet (hopefully). I do try to play some games on the Playstation, but often things mess up because my thumb just won’t make that needed move. Or the whole hand cramps up and I need to quit, even though I was not done yet.

So I am not looking for other things to do and I am feeling sad for all the things I already had to let go. I am trying to cope with giving up even more, slowly resizing that some things will never be a possibility again.

I am fighting with the damned pain. Every day, every moment, I can’t remember not being in pain anymore. I notice my thoughts drifting away to the only options that I have left. And those are the ones people have difficulty talking about. Painkillers don’t do the trick, although I have not gotten the heavy stuff yet, and therapy also helps a mere bit. Without the painkillers and physical therapy, I would have long since given up.

I try, even though it might not be visible, to adjust. But there is so much that wants my adjustment, it’s too much and not possible. It freaks me out, throws me backwards into an anxiety mode and I have chest pains and difficulty breathing, trying to get back a grip.

I have to deal with this weird world on a daily base. People who just don’t say what they mean, but they think it sounds more sophisticated when they use all these expensive words, and use many of them…. And in the end, I am lost as there is too much information. I try to pick up the right stuff in those situations, but I notice it’s a whole lot harder than it seems. I just find different things interesting, I see different patterns and well, yeah, lost again in the world of words and figures of speech and all.

I guess I used to be able to deal with this better, but ever since my body is in need of more energy, I don’t have any left. And I don’t have the interest I once had to appear “normal” and “socially acceptable”. It’s wrong that I can never be myself because it’s “inconvenient” for the NT folks. The society keeps expecting people to adapt to it, to the way of the most, and they can’t imagine to have to stop and think about others for a while. The economy works 24/7, it’s all about production, speed and moving onward and upwards.  Those who can’t run to keep up stay behind and in many ways, even get penalized for it.

So well, yeah, that’s one of those days where I think many swearing words, where I wonder if that way out is worth it, where my head is filled with doubts and the dark monster is grinning wide in the shadow… Only it’s white teeth visible, giving a warning that he is getting closer.

I wish it would not be such a bad thing to see things differently.
I wish there would be a society in which people were allowed to stand still, look around and see that differences aren’t always bad things.
I wish people were more open to other views, which might not be the most mainstream and accepted ones, but they may certainly be word some time to discuss.
I wish people would not expect me to adjust to them, not knowing that I can never achieve all they expect. It’s draining me, making me feel worthless and too different to matter.

I have many wishes but one of them, I can’t voice. No, not because it’s that thing, it’s because it’s something that I know will never happen… It’s a mere illusion and not worth keeping a hold on it, as it only makes you crave for it even more…

You still want to know it?

I wish people with disabilities could be more easily accepted.

There, that’s it. I might look like a normal person from the outside, but looks can deceive and they don’t tell of the inner daily fight.

I really do try to make the best of it. I do try to adjust to I’m not such a great bother. But with the little bit of energy I have, it’s often not enough to deal with it all and I just break down, too tired, and think f*ck it……

~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 21, 2017.

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