Saying “no”

Often I have given both myself and others the advise “stand up for yourself and say no when you can’t do something asked/told”. I know it’s the most difficult thing to do, as most of us feel an obligation to always say yes. A need to feel liked, a need to feel wanted and maybe even needed. One could say these needs lead to selfless acts of kindness, as we think those are the way to get that status we desire.

And in a way, it will get you there. But to what cost, you can ask? How far are you willing to go to please everyone around you? And also wonder, how far would those others go if you were to ask them for something? Are they as willing to please you, or are they more of the taking kind of people? Because those people are not the best ones to have close to you.

giphy3

Because I was always different, I felt like I needed to change myself and do lots of stupid things to be able to fit in. As a kid, you don’t see that they are not liking you for who you are, they are temporarily liking you for what you pretend to be and all that you offer to do for them. As you grow older, you are so accustomed to please others and to let yourself fade in the background, that you feel incomplete. You feel like you are not who you were and are supposed to be.

When you grow up, and look around, you will (most of us at least) redefine who you are, what you stand for and what you wish to receive and give. This will lead to breaking up of friendships, because those are so accustomed to you being the person they like you to be, that they can’t handle the change you’re going through. Some people might stick, as they really care for you and see that you need that change in order to be happier.

And then, you need to learn to say “no”. No to yourself first, as your inner you will keep pushing to please others, as you are so used to doing. It’s a real challenge to say no, especially if it is to someone you care a whole great deal about. Because saying no can feel like you are letting your friend down, like you are not willing to help out when asked.
But it could just be that you can help, but not at the asked date/time. What I do in those situations, I say I would love to but I can’t do it on the asked moment, and then I offer the different times/dates that I would be able to help out. That is an easier way of being able to say no, but unfortunately, not always the option you can go for.
When you have to say no for different reasons, it can (and often will) be harder.

Not only for you to say “no” and probably having to explain yourself, but also for the person you said it to. They are accustomed to hearing you say “yes”, jumping at each chance to please (perhaps?, depending on how your relationship is) and always being there for them. I often feel like I need to explain it. Some friends know me well enough to know how difficult saying “NO” is and accept it without issues. Some friends have more difficulty in understanding my situation and they need some explanation on why I have to let them down. And if they can’t respect and accept it, it’s not my problem. I already have enough issues, hence the need to say no every once in a while.

But when you say “no”, when you ask for another day/time (when that’s an option) and people don’t accept it (for what ever reason they may come up with), that hurts me. I know I am difficult, I know some days are better for me than others, but I also know that I’d like my wishes respected. If the need to ask for something is there, then that means it will intrude on me one way or another. Pushing through, whatever reasons you may have, making me subject to it, is in my opinion, very rude. Even if it’s the slightest inconvenience for me, you did ask and I did answer, so please respect. What in your eyes may be no trouble or inconvenience at all, may be huge for me at that time. I might have an anxiety issue, I might have so much pain that I need to be left alone, I will have a good reason for saying no at that given time. And I will be able to explain why I say no or ask for another time. So please, accept it.

I am still dealing with all my illnesses…. Some days, walking goes well and hardly hurts, so I may look OK. The next day, my nerves may be firing shots through my leg and every step is so painful, I’d rather not walk… That’s the difficulty with Fibromyalgia, it’s never stable, it’s never sure. Some days I have less pain, still enough to need Tramadol and such, but then I’ll be able to move more, do more. Those days I try to make the best of. And other days I am feeling so much pain, I am getting depressed and angry and sad and just want to be left alone.

It’s never really easy to say no to someone you care about. But sometimes it’s the best thing you can do, to be honest about the situation and to be honest to yourself.

And now my hand is really tired and painful of all this typing, so it’s time to share it with you all and chill out a bit…

giphy2

 

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~ by Lonely Wallflower on September 22, 2017.

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