Darker, colder days

WARNING! This post contains my babbling about depression, how I experience it and try to deal with it. It might be triggering for people dealing with depression, so a fair warning that it may be upsetting. I try to write it all as respectful as I can and it’s all about me… But still… 

Yes, the time of autumn seems behind us now, well, we’re officially still in the last bit as winter behins somewhere around December 21st, I believe. But still, the days are darker, colder and wetter as well. And every year, these times hit me hard. When the sun doesn’t show its face that often anymore, when there is more moisture in the air and when the wind starts to chill you to the bone… That’s when my dark passenger comes looking around the corner. For those of you who just stumble across this blog, I refer to my depression as my dark passenger. As it’s always there, watching, waiting for a time when I get weak so it can stike me the hardest.

And of course, this year is no different from the previous ones. I experience more pain due to the cold and moist air, so it’s already harder to get through the day. I have to fight harder to get where I want to go. I have started to go to the fitness a few weeks ago and I push myself to keep on going.

Pain changes people.

Not my original text, but it really got me and I edited the image to my liking…

Yes, it hurts! If I forget to take some pain medication before I leave the house, it’s even worse. But… Sitting on the couch also hurts. And with the gym, at least I get to feel a little bit better, a sense of accomplishment. Yeah, it takes a lot out of me, more than sitting on the couch. But by trying to work on myself, I am trying to get stronger, to beat the dark passenger, to be able to stand firm when he tries to push me to the edge.

But because of the extra pain, the lack of decent sleep, the disappointment that my hard surgery made things worse than they were…
Ow about that, thanks to my wife and my GP, I got to go to another hospital where they do seem to want to help me, where they do answer questions and take your pain seriously. So that is a plus. I need to wear a brace now, except when at the gym (as long as I don’t use the thumb/hand too heavily) and when doing my hand exercizes. I have to admit, I took it off to type this, as I type with 3 fingers and the thumb kept hitting the keyboard when I had the splint on. And sometimes, I take it off to game. As that is the only hobby I am still able to do, well, do less than I want. But it gives me a way to relax and I find that very important. But it is on during the rest of the time. Even at night. And during the night my thumb often cramps up, which hurts a whole lot. I need to take the splint off then, massage the hand and thumb until it shifts back and then put the splint back on. I am wide awake after that and it often takes some time before I can finally sleep again. Because of the splint I cannot wear my Gear S3 during the night, so I have no data from it to help me see how much I did get to rest. In the end, I may end up needing another surgery, as the thumb is stuck in a painful position and I cannot use it well, so I am hoping that another surgery may give it back a little more flexibility and will take away some of the pain.

Ah well, so here I am, trying to work on myself. But here is also my dark passenger, telling me it’s no good. Telling me it’s time and money wasted away because I can never win. And I know it’s bullshit, I know I should be able to win, to get better, to get stronger. But it feels like it’s fighting against me, against all that, because it wants to really, really beat me. I guess it might sound silly, but for those who are lucky enough never to have experienced a depression, I’m trying to explain the struggle. My struggle at least, as I have no idea how others experience their dark passenger. But I always think that, when I explain the situation best as I can, others can at least try to understand it a bit, based on what I share. If I just say it sucks, well, they will most likely agree but have no idea of the struggle.

Because that’s what my depression is, a huge struggle. And when I don’t get a lot of sleep, when I do get a lot of pain and when my dark passenger tells me that I suck, well, this of course doesn’t help in my relationship, in any of my relationships. I am more cranky, I have more difficulty trusting people, when I leave and people start talking, I just assume that they are talking about me….
I notice the change in my trust towards others, I feel it shifting… But then my dark passenger tells me so many reasons of why it’s happening. And then I start taking notice, yeah I know, I should not have listened, but I was weak and I did. But at a point I almost realise my passenger didn’t lie to me. And I start believing something bad, for the lack of a better word. It makes me more on edge and in a way, it also pushes me a bit closer to the edge.

So, as I mentioned it affects my relationship. I get into disagreements with the wife more than normally. Somehow I feel like everything I try to do, it’s never good enough. Sometimes she says that it should have been done differently, and makes me angry and sad. As I tried and I wanted to help. It makes me angry that even if I’ve done it differently, it doesn;t mean it wasn’t good anyhow, or that I did it wrong on purpose. And it makes me sad because I spend time on trying to do good and in the end, I could have used that time differently. I could have used the energy I needed for it differently.

You don't know pain until...

Not my text, but I saw myself in it and edited the image to my liking.

I know I am dependend on her, I know that is not always easy. I am not allowed to drive with the splint. Of course I can take it off, but still, if something goes wrong and they find out I should have been wearing it… It can still be bad, also insurance and money wise. I know it sucks being dependend as it also takes away a part of my freedom. I already need help when things need to be done by phone, as that really freaks me out and I can’t handle it. When I can send an email, it makes it easier on me.
I know my wife needs to take time off from work time and again, different medical reasons every time. Now, I need weekly appointments at the hospital… I know it also costs her energy and time and it’s not like I like being in this situation… I would have loved for the surgery back in June to have gone OK, instead of the shit I am in now. The shit I drag her in as well.

There are many things I know, but I can’t change even if I wanted too more than anything else in the world. And some things are influenced by that stupid depression. For those of you who have never ever experienced a true depression, I hope you never will. It comes over you, dark and gloom, trying to drag you down, trying to convince you that you’re a waste of space. And someway, somehow, you start to believe it. Every thing that goes wrong, it can be as simple as a knot in your shoelace, shows you that the passenger is right. “I can’t even untie my frigging shoelace.”

As I mentioned, I know I always get like this, even though I know it’s coming, it’s waiting for me. But the increase of pain is a powerful thing for the depression to work with. But I keep having doubts. And they are strong. They keep telling me I am not good enough and that people can and will be able to do better than to hang around (with) me. I will only drag them down, slow them down and make them anything you can imagine that is not positive.

One side of my depression is keeping people at bay because I know I get more difficult, more cranky and harsh, and if I keep them away I can’t hurt them. The other side is that I am scared that people will shun me, that people will abandon me, that people will find other friends and totally forget about me. And this is, for me, the most frustrating bit. Because by pusing people away, in my opinion to keep them safe, they see me pushing them and they turn around and think “I can do better than that, she’s not worth the effort”. It’s a downward spiral and it’s the most difficult bit for me to deal with. I am ashamed when I am at my worst, even though I know it’s mainly the dark passenger taking me over because I am not strong enough. But I am ashamed and I don’t want others to see me when I am like that. But I also need people to help me get out, to beat the passenger and to see the positivie sides again.


Again not my text but I found it meant something to me, so I edited it to my liking.

When I do sleep, I know I have many mightmares. I can never really remember them, but waking up scared and sweaty is never a good sign. And I am most scared that I will get out of bed, go downstairs and find I’m all alone. Find my wife’s wedding ring on the counter with a note that it was too much to handle, that I was too much to handle, and she found someone who could treat her like she wanted, like she needed and so she packed up and left… That’s the only bit I remember, the feeling off loss, of loneliness and fear.

And as I have stated many times before, I know I’m not perfect. I know I make mistakes. Even though I don’t know I made them, as some things I see and experience so differently from others (NT people mostly). I know I am not the most easy person, I have a manual thicker than the Lord of the Rings trilogy. But I am trying, even though my depression keeps me back, even though the lack of energy keeps me back at times. I’ve been on the edge so many times, even counting the sleeping pills I have, hoping they would help me sleep for ever… But I do know that I have some thing to offer, even though I can’t always name it when asked for. I try to do all I can in the household, I try to be there for others, I try to be a good hoomum for the doggies and to be a good wife. And I know I fail at all of those miserably at times. But if I give up, if I don’t keep trying, it there is nothing left for me to fight for anymore, then I know the dark passenger will eventually win…

PS. I am sorry if there are many errors, typos and spelling wise, but I didn’t have spellcheck and my headache is begging me to leave the bright screen. Hope it made sense anyway and thanks for reading this far!


~ by Lonely Wallflower on November 21, 2017.

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