Mind’s like a closet

A mind is like a closet…
We stuff it.
Happy and sad happenings.
Good and bad times.
Friends and lovers…enemies and others.
All gets “uploaded”, stuffed in a part of your brain, your memory.
Sometimes you can take the time to put it away neat.
Most of the times, the next event is presenting itself to you so you need to hurry.
No time to tidy, stuff and head on.
On to a new experience, which will need to get some space in your mind as well.
You keep stuffing, once in a while you allow yourself the time needed to tidy, but just a bit. I hate cleaning up. My attic room looks like a mess, but I can find what I need (well, most of the time). But then, it’s my private little space where I can be myself, so I don’t need to excuse myself to anyone. I do tidy every now and then, when I get the “cleaning up urge”. Or when GF thinks it needs cleaning up. I will let her, as long as she leaves stuff alone when she doesn’t know where to put it. BF is worse in cleaning up than I am, so well, no words needed on that topic.

But I never realized that I also have a mess in my head. That I have stuffed so many things in there that it became too hard to find the things I really need. That the good stuff got buried by the bad and negative stuff. And now, every time I need to get something out of that closet, I dread going there. I know it’s a mess and I hate that about it. I need to be careful to grab that one thing I need and it doesn’t matter how careful I do it, other stuff always comes out. Making it bad, negative and well, it just sucks then, more than it did before.

I have some very positive memories. Meeting a few of my favorite actors and actresses. Last year I met (for the second time in my life) one of my favorite female singers. She got a brain tumor about 7 years ago and the doc’s gave her about 5-10% chance of survival. She took it! And I am very grateful for that. When I met her, I felt like flying for several days. And meeting the rest of the band also helped. In 2,5 weeks I will go to a great convention in Germany, where I will meet more actors and actresses. Where I will meet up with some friends I have made there last year. I am really looking forward to it. But something deep inside still says that I also can’t be bugged by it. A lot of things I used to receive pleasure from all seem so meaningless at times.

Is this the “work” of the depression I am having? Or can’t I really be triggered into being happy? Can I only be triggered into feeling f*cked up?

It’s been a while since I read in my “Overcoming Depression” book. I might read some more of it this week. But today, I did finish “Déja Dead” by Kathy Reichs (you may know her through the TV-series “Bones”). Started reading another book by her, but didn’t get far.

But it’s time I took everything out of the closet and tidy it all before putting it back in neat and swell. But taking it all out also means: dealing with all the bad stuff that is stuffed away in the deepest corners. Stuff that I’ve been trying to forget. Stuff that I have forgotten. Stuff that I should throw away. If only it were THAT easy: throw away the stuff that make me feel bad. Open the trashcan and fill it with all the negativity. Maybe there is a possibility and I just haven’t found it yet. Maybe I am already working towards the solution. Maybe, many maybes….

While I was reading the “Overcoming Depression” book a while ago, I did read some bits about “core beliefs” about several things. They hit close to home. Maybe a bit too close. I want to share them with you. Maybe you can recognize things as well. Who knows? I only want to share with you thoughts that I have had for quite a while, which are now put to words by Paul Gilbert (author of the book).

Beliefs about being a burden to others

• Nobody could care for me
• My needs often seem a nuisance
• It is pathetic for me to need love and reassurance
• A needy person is a weak person
• A needy person is a weak person
• My needs are far too much for anyone to cope with

Beliefs that others are not available or will be angry

• Others are too busy to bother with me
• They are not up to caring for me
• They don’t understand
• They will like me less for needing
• They have too many problems of their own

Beliefs about exploitation

• People really only care about themselves
• If people are nice to me it’s because they want something
• People act nice to make themselves feel or look good
• People will use me until I am no further use to them
• Others will exploit me if they know my weakness

Beliefs about inferiority and defeats

• Compared with others, I am not so good, I’m inadequate, useless, worthless
• I leak confidence to get what I want
• I must achieve great things to help others, or to prove myself or to feel this life is worth living

Well, with almost ALL these beliefs, I can add a “check, I know that feeling” cross near them. I think I have outed some of these points in earlier posts that I wrote here at my blog.

I am hoping that somewhere in that book, there’s a chapter on how to clean up my big, messed up cabinet. I know there’s a part, two even, that I haven’t reached yet where the author will describe on how to really overcome your depression. Seeing I will have to wait a 3 weeks or even more before a shrink can see me (and that’ll just be an intake), I guess it’s best to keep reading a bit. Preferably each day. I know I won’t be able to live up to that, reading a bit each day, as some days are hard to cope with, let alone read about all the sorrow… But I made a promise to some dear friends I made at TTL that I was gonna fight this depression with all that I have to give! Since I hate breaking promises (made to me and made to others), I will do my best to keep my word. I can’t promise I will have strength to fight hard each and every day. But the days when I feel I am losing ground, I know I have some people I am allowed to fall back on to. And the days where I feel I could beat it all, those days my friends can fall back on me when needed.

Together we are strong!

Thanks to all the old and new friends who will not allow me to fall! Thanks to the people who are closer to me, who have to deal with me each day of the week, for supporting me even if I don’t want it. I wanted to share a quote made by a lovely, beautiful and wise princess. One of the best princesses this world ever had the pleasure to know.

“My first thoughts are that I should not let people down,
that I should support them and love them.”
Princess Diana (Princess of Wales, 1961-1997)

~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 12, 2010.