Like watercolours in the rain, day #55

Going through the motions
Ending up
Nowhere at all
Can’t see the sun on my wall
…
I’ll find the falling star
I’ll fall In love
With the eyes of a dreamer
And a dream worth believing

©Roxette/Per Gessle/Marie Fredriksson

It’s been raining here almost non stop for two days now. I feel it affecting me. I feel more depressed. Not sure if it’s only the weather I can blame. I have been feeling like I’m slipping away for a few days. As I believe I Tweeted about a few days back. I can’t feel as happy as I normally feel about certain things. I have horrible nightmares. I wake up night after night, several times a night, drenched in sweat. I feel very tired. My muscles are so sore and painful.

Man, I feel like an 80 year old complaining about everything. But yeah, I feel I’m slipping away. The nightmares are just gruesome. But, as usual, I can’t remember any details after I wake up. And this morning, as I was driving to work, I saw a dead cat laying on the sidewalk. Soaking wet from the continues rain. I drove by, crying as the rain hit my windshield. I started to think about how it died, all alone and cold from the rain. Even writing about it makes my eyes water up…

GF told me that she had an idea for my blog a few nights ago. Often when she tells me she loves me, I question her on why and how. She asked me if I could write about that. I told her it was difficult. But now, I am willing to give it a go. Try to find the right words to explain my insecurity.

Most of the times when I doubt her most is when I feel most depressed. My insecurity grows with my depression. They go hand in hand. My suspicions of me not being good enough for neither myself nor anyone grow with it as well. I feel like I am failing both in my relationship as in all I do. I get the idea that GF is lying to me more and more. That my behavior scares her away into the arms of someone else. That she already has someone special in her life. And it can’t be me because I f*ck it all up. I know I don’t make many mistakes in things I want to do. But socially, I’m a mess. I am doing my best, coping in a world that sometimes makes no sense at all.

I have many difficulties, one of them is trust. And as GF has already hurt me in the past by looking me straight in the eyes and lying her little behind off. I trusted her at first but it was all a little wacky. And so I found out it was a lie and it hurt me. It hurt me more than the truth would have hurt me to begin with. So even if I want to trust her, as I want so badly to be able to. But the past has left deep scars. And when the depression kicks in, the scars have a lot of negative influence on me.

I don’t find myself beautiful. I don’t find myself lovable at dark times. When those times get even darker, I don’t even think I have the right to live. I don’t see a positive outcome of me being on this planet that we call Earth. I have had many suicidal dreams, thoughts and even tried it about four months ago. I guess you might remember the (protected) blog post(s) about it.

So how could someone love me if I don’t even love myself? How can someone call me pretty when all I see is a fat girl with ugly scars? How can she find me cute when I can barf thinking about myself in such a way? How?!?

How can someone like me be loved? Why should someone want to deal with someone like me on a daily base? I am only an embarrassment when placed in (difficult) social situations. I am not nice to look at… I am difficult in man ways…

So how can I answer her question as why I always (well, almost always) cry when she tells me that she loves me? Ether I am overwhelmed with emotions because with all her knowledge about me, she still wants to be with me. Even if I know that there are times she’d rather be without me than with me. Or so it feels like at times… Is my crying a sign of comfort? Of disbelieve? Of happiness? I guess it all depends where I am in between being manic to being overwhelmed with suicidal thoughts…

Does this answer her question? I don’t know… I am not sure there is something new within these lines. But she asked and I tried to answer. Did my best. As good as possible.

How I wish I could surrender my soul
Shed the clothes that become my skin
See the liar that burns within my needing.
How I wish I’d chosen darkness from cold.
How I wish I had screamed out loud,
Instead I’ve found no meaning.

©James Blunt

Thanks for all the usual my dears 😉

From Lonely Walflower with tears, rain and luv :-*

~ by Lonely Wallflower on April 10, 2012.